tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29139757180920699762024-03-13T06:12:07.793-07:00Cornerstone CounselingWelcome to the Cornerstone Counseling blog! We all are on a journey in our lives, and the road is marked with joy, pain, challenge, failure, success, concern, and peace. Along the way, our experiences offer us opportunities to grow and learn. For the Christian, it is important to have a Biblical perspective on the issues that we deal with. What you will read here is "food for thought" that may help you move toward healthy living, more contentment, and abundant living.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger32125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-4197538488624440882016-06-24T20:18:00.001-07:002016-06-24T20:18:10.747-07:00Parenting to PrepareWe all want our children to grow up healthy, happy, and have a good
future. We all want our children to feel loved and secure and cared
for. We want to protect them and help them to know that they can count
on us to help them.<br />
<br />
I have been noticing a trend for
the past few years that I find disturbing: Parents who literally do not
allow their children to:<br />
<ul>
<li>feel any pain</li>
<li>deal with consequences of their choices</li>
<li>feel sad or disappointed</li>
<li>fail</li>
</ul>
The list could go on and on.<br />
<br />
<b>Dealing with the Sad</b> <br />
<br />
Truth
is, none of us like to see our child in pain or sad or disappointed.
But life is full of feelings, and they're not always happy ones. In
their lives, children will feel pain and childhood is the time to learn
how to get through experiences that are hard and develop the thinking
patterns that will help them later in life.<br />
<br />
For
example, maybe your child comes home from school and says that he was
not invited to a birthday party. How do you handle it? Call the other
child's parent and complain? Tell your child that the other child is
just mean? Go buy your child that expensive toy he's been asking for to
make him feel better? No, I don't think so.<br />
<br />
Far
better, I think, to talk with your child and let him tell you about what
he's feeling. Love and comfort him, and tell him you feel sad about it
too. Remind him that other people were not invited too, they probably
feel sad too, and he can work to be a good friend to those people.
Those things are much better options.<br />
<br />
If he goes through
life experiencing the sad and weathers through it, he learns much from
that. 1) He learns that those sad feelings don't last forever. 2) He
learns (over time) how to manage those sad feelings. 3) He learns
that those experiences don't have to define him, and he can find still
find joy.<br />
<br />
<b>Dealing with Failure or Disappointment</b><br />
<br />
Failure
is also part of life. Your child is not always going to win. She's
not always going to get the lead in the class play. She's not always
going to get the highest grade. She's not always going to get to be a
starter on her soccer team.<br />
<b> </b><br />
Let it
be! It's not a good idea to spend your time negotiating with teachers
and coaches, but rather helping your child deal with the failure.
Remind her that the important thing is to do her best and be happy that
she tried. Remind her that you are proud of her and love her, and
she'll have other opportunities to do the things she loves.<br />
<br />
That
does a couple of things. It helps her to feel secure at home, and it
helps her to learn to cope with things that don't go as planned. She
will not be the girl that has no ability to handle a disappointment or
failure and as a college student or adult finds herself needing to
self-medicate.<br />
<br />
Of course, if the failure is because of
lack of effort, then the conversation needs to happen about what
happened, what they did well, what they could do differently, and what
they will do in the future.<br />
<br />
*************<br />
Remember
that you are not always going to be around to stand up for, rescue, or
comfort your child. Help them to develop those internal coping skills
that will help them maneuver through the trials of life that they surely
will face! Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-11955934811593077772013-03-30T09:12:00.001-07:002013-03-30T09:12:41.202-07:00Listening I work with a lot of people who ask for help with communication skills. Communication issues often interfere with happiness or contentment in couples' relationships. When you think about communication skills, what comes to mind? <br />
<br />
Of course, it's important to be able to express yourself well and say what you mean, but it is equally important to become a good listener. Good listening is at least half of communication.<br />
<br />
What I find is that very often people don't really do a great job of listening. This is true for a variety of reasons:<br />
<ul>
<li>They are thinking about what they will say next instead of what the other person is saying.</li>
<li>They are reacting internally and their feelings are interfering with their ability to listen. </li>
<li>They are so focused on "winning" that they, quite honestly, don't really care what the other person thinks, feels, or needs.</li>
</ul>
Solving a problem often starts with good listening. <br />
<br />
In order to solve a problem with your partner, it is important to sit down and have a discussion about the problem. Listen intently to each other in order to see the problem through your partner's eyes. Once you each see through the other person's eyes, you can very often understand why the problem exists in the first place and you can work to resolve the issue. <br />
<br />
Good listening is a gift to your partner and to your relationship. It communicates respect and an openness to change. It leads to deeper understanding, and it can lead to greater intimacy over time. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-46402148569804428572011-07-19T12:55:00.000-07:002011-07-19T13:08:36.939-07:00TransitionsOne of the things that increases our stress is any kind of change or transition. Be it a happy one (having a baby or getting promoted) or a difficult one (divorce or financial loss), changes will produce stress. There are lots of tests out there (you can find them on the internet) but to test your stress level, try <a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://www.behappy101.com/stress-list.html">this test</a> to help you see where you are.<br /><br />If you look back on this blog, you will notice that I haven't blogged for a couple of months. I was definitely in a period of transition in my life, and setting aside blogging was one way of coping.<br /><br />Dealing with transitions can be stressful because often there are a lot of things "up in the air" and undecided, and sometimes one decision depends on another decision. You can literally feel like your head is whirling which, of course, adds to the stress.<br /><br />Here are some pointers:<br /><br />1) Simplify as much as possible. Set aside for a time the things that don't have to be done or dealt with.<br /><br />2) At the same time, try to keep as much continuity in your life as seems helpful to you. <br /><br />3) Focus on today and try not to worry about decisions that you can't make today. (There is a difference between thinking about decisions and worrying. You get that, right?) <br /><br />4) Continue healthy habits of eating right, sleeping, and exercising.<br /><br />5) Remind yourself that there are likely no decisions or moves to be made that are earth shattering or can't be altered if needed. You don't have to navigate this transition perfectly.<br /><br />Transitions go better if we take one day at a time and envision a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it is difficult to see that, but keep in mind that you have made other transitions in your life and come out okay. Chances are you will this time as well!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-40895718078725352562011-05-10T19:27:00.000-07:002011-05-10T19:58:12.521-07:00Wishing, Hoping, DreamingRemember that old Dusty Springfield song, "Wishing and Hoping." Part of it went like this:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> Show him that you care just for him.<br />Do the things that he likes to do.<br />Wear your hair just for him,<br />cause you won't get him, thinking and praying,<br />wishing and hoping.<br />Hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him.<br />Just do it and after you do, you will be his<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Really? Seriously? If only it was that easy!<br /><br />Sometimes clients are in a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't want to commit to marriage or who isn't ready. They often ask me how they know if they should wait it out or move on.<br /><br />It's hard to answer that question, because just as there are a million different relationships, there are an equal number of factors that can enter into such a decision.<br /><br />In general, though, here are some things to consider.<br /><br />1) <u>Is this person worth waiting for?</u> Ask yourself, in general, if this person has all the qualities you want in a partner. Consider employment, character, personality, family relationship, desire for children, habits, legal issues, etc. If you are waiting for a person who has major issues that you hope will be changed by marriage, you need to realize that marriage will not change who they are.<br /><br />2) <u>How long have you been in this relationship?</u> If you have been in a relationship for over two years and there is still no long-term commitment from your partner, then the relationship needs to be examined. I generally feel that after one year you should both know if this relationship will work or not.<br /><br />3) <u>Do you find yourself arguing over the lack of long-term commitment?</u> Be careful of that. If you end up engaged because of pressure you have put on your partner, you may find yourself in one of two situations. First, you may have an angry partner who will (later on) complain that he/she was forced to marry you. Second, you may find yourself engaged for a very long time and the argument will no longer be about becoming engaged but rather about setting a wedding date.<br /><br />Decisions to leave a relationship are painful for both people, but sometimes it is better to give yourselves a chance to start over with someone who will make a commitment rather than spend time and energy trying to talk someone into marrying you.<br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-27641033194381742312011-04-11T10:30:00.000-07:002011-04-11T10:58:59.596-07:00SnapshotsOne of the things I hear very often is parents telling me how their children are kind of a mixed bag when it comes to personality and behavior.<br /><br />One day ten year old Jessica is being stubborn and uncooperative and the next day is helpful and kind. Eight year old Derek is selfish and angry at times and suddenly asks you if he can give his weekly allowance to a kid in his class who has no lunch. Fifteen year old Brittany is withdrawn and cranky, and the next thing you know she is out front helping the elderly neighbor next door carry in her groceries.<br /><br />Parents are often confused by this as they worry about what their children are becoming. Of course, they want to see the helpful, kind, giving part of them be the default behavior in their children, but worry that the negative part will choke out the positive.<br /><br />I often explain to parents that when we see those positive behaviors and attitudes in our children, they are like snapshots of who they may become. Those little moments demonstrate that the positive qualities you are trying to instill "are in there" but just well hidden at times.<br /><br />Let those snapshots serve as a reminder to you that the seeds you are planting in your child are taking root, and they need to be tended to. How do we do that? Here are some suggestions:<br /><br />1) Talk respectfully to your child, even when he/she doesn't earn it. That doesn't mean that you need to accept bad behavior, but don't resort to name calling or labeling.<br /><br />2) Along with that, try to remember to label the behavior and not your child. Say, "that was wrong to hit your sister" rather than "you are bad."<br /><br />3) Always affirm good behavior. Let your child know that you notice when he/she behaves in a way that pleases you.<br /><br />4) Label your child in positive ways whenever possible. Say, "You are such a loving big brother," or "I see you being so helpful to your friends." Your child will be encouraged by those words.<br /><br />Whatever you do, keep those snapshots of the good in your heart and your mind. Refer to those when you are frustrated with your child. Use them to encourage you to keep going, knowing that eventually the little seedlings you've planted will grow into strong trees with deep roots that produce good fruit.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-32836540231846282052011-03-28T11:18:00.000-07:002011-03-28T12:50:08.911-07:00People Who Aren't Like MeWe often are in relationships with people who are different from us. This is true in our family relationships or relationships at work or with friends and neighbors. That can be a source of both frustration and growth. If we see ourselves or our way as "right" and the other person or their way as "wrong," then we miss out on a great opportunity to benefit from what they bring to the table.<br /><br />For the follower of Christ, if we keep in mind that God wants us to be more like Him, we will remember that we are constantly being molded into His image. We are growing in love, grace, compassion, gentleness, kindness, peacefulness, patience and much more.<br /><br />That's the good news! The bad news is that He accomplishes that by putting us in situations where we have an opportunity to learn something or to fight against whatever "it" is.<br /><br />God uses others in our lives to expose parts of ourselves that need to change. Sometimes He exposes boundaries that are missing or sagging. Sometimes He exposes selfishness, jealousy, narcissism, inflated egos, pride, arrogance, and other things that are in need of being rooted out and replaced with love, kindness, compassion, giving, self-control and much more.<br /><br />Whatever it is He wants to accomplish in us, we need to keep in mind that it is for our ultimate good.<br /><br />What if everything in the world was blue? Instead of our eyes feasting on the wonderful colors in nature, we would be all subjected to a view that would be decidedly boring! Without different colors, I doubt if artists such as Thomas Gainsborough, Claude Monet, Auguste Renoir, or James McNeill Whistler would have been inspired to create their beautiful works of art. It takes the blues, greens, yellows, reds, and purples to give contrast that makes it all beautiful!<br /><br />What if everything we ate tasted like chocolate? As much as I really love dark chocolate, I have to admit that after awhile I would be really tired of it. We need sweet, salty, and savory. We need smooth and crunchy. We need different flavors and textures to make food interesting. Chefs such as Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, Emeril Lagasse, Giada De Laurentiis, or Michael Symon would not be inspired to create their yummy dishes if all foods were the same!<br /><br />It is the same with people! God made us all different for a reason. If we were all the same, we would be like cardboard cutouts or clones and our relationships would be, well...boring at best!<br /><br />In relationship difficulty where there are differences of style or opinion, here are some tips:<br /><br />1) Remember that this is probably not "life and death." Develop a healthy sense of humor about your differences with the other person. Learn to laugh at yourself as well!<br /><br />2) Remember that it is very possible that this other person is not wrong, but just different.<br /><br />3) See what you can learn about the situation and seek compromise.<br /><br />4) Learn to communicate to see how they view whatever the situation is.<br /><br />5) Develop an interest in figuring out "what makes this person tick." He/she sees the world differently than you do. What makes no sense to you makes perfect sense to him/her.<br /><br />6) Ask yourself if there are unhealthy or sinful attitudes in you that are being exposed and take steps to turn that around.<br /><br />Variety is good and we can really learn from one another if we approach it with a healthy attitude! When we learn to see others who are different from ourselves as persons of value who bring something valuable to the table, we can begin to function together in ways that are beneficial.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-27851014081426553612011-03-14T15:56:00.000-07:002011-03-14T16:17:12.076-07:00Busy KidsOne of the things I notice more and more these days is how busy people are. Parents have their children involved in lots of extra-curricular activities--dance, football, piano lessons, Brownies, soccer, gymnastics, 4-H, Boy Scouts--the list is endless it would seem. There are so many wonderful things to choose from that afford your children with opportunities to learn teamwork, character, responsibility, work ethic, etc.<br /><br />I think that all of this is very good. The concern I often have is the lack of balance in these kids' lives.<br /><br />Kids often talk to me about how stressed they are. They talk about not having a lot of time to just relax between school, homework, and other activities. When I ask them what they would like to change, they say that they don't want to change anything. They really like all of the after school things they are doing. That is where parents come in.<br /><br />Parents need to set limits on schedule and activities. Don't expect your child to find him/her own limits. They have lots of energy and literally want to do everything that comes along! Don't sign your kids up for something just because they "really want to do it!" Kids don't have the ability to predict the stress they will feel being so busy.<br /><br />When you think about adding a new activity to your child's schedule, consider these things:<br /><br />1) What does the overall schedule look like currently?<br />2) How will this new activity change the schedule?<br />3) What affect will this activity have on the family? How will it coordinate with other family member's activities?<br />4) Will the child have sufficient "down time" to just play and be a kid?<br />5) How will my child benefit from this activity?<br /><br />I believe that kids need to be exploring different activities, but not all at one time. They are kids. Let them have time to just rest, play, and be kids. Teach them balance early, and it will be something that will go with them into adulthood.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-26236857966947151742011-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:002011-02-28T22:39:02.273-08:00People Who Need People<div style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 153, 51);"><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">Do you remember this song sung by Barbra Streisand?</span><br /></div><br />"People, people who need people<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 153, 51);">Are the luckiest people in the world."</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Ultimately, I think that is a true statement. It has layers of meanings, of course. But for me, it reminds us that we do need each other and we are blessed if we understand that! We are relationship-oriented beings by nature. Our ancestors lived in tribes and communities where there was a healthy interdependence.<br /><br />Somewhere along the line we replaced interdependence with independence and that became the norm. Now there is definitely a place for independence, but we need to live in community where we are dependent upon others and they are dependent upon us.<br /><br />Together we can live and grow and thrive. We learn from each other. We encourage one another. We help each other. We carry one another's burdens, and we discover that a load is lighter when carried by two.<br /><br />To be healthy we need to be in relationships with family and friends. If we're not, not only does our emotional health suffer but our physical well-being is at risk as well.<br /><br />I encourage people to find a way to form relationships. Join a Bible study group. Volunteer. Take a dance class. Take up a hobby. Once you begin to meet people, don't be afraid to invite someone to coffee. Relationships start small and they grow from there.<br /><br />Relationships are one of our basic needs. Take the steps to develop some, rekindle some, or deepen some. The rewards may be great!<br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-65133683592035955002011-02-14T11:16:00.001-08:002011-02-14T11:31:10.349-08:00Valentine's DayToday is Valentine's Day. One of the things that often comes up with people who are not in a relationship is that Valentine's Day is a day of loneliness and feeling different. For some, it reminds them of the grief they feel at not having a partner or having lost one.<br /><br />Those feelings are valid and are to be acknowledged and worked through.<br /><br /> Valentine's Day, for some, is a day of mourning that springboards into a period of grief. While (as I stated above) the feeling is a normal feeling, here are some suggestions for not beginning a spiral down that may be difficult to pull out of.<br /><br />1) Plan activities with single friends. Love is in the air, but there are different kinds of love. Friendships are a kind of love that is deep and meaningful. Enjoy them!<br /><br />2) Make Valentine's Day about serving others. Make some cookies or homemade valentines and take them to the shut-ins in your community. The faces that light up will warm your heart!<br /><br />3) Do something fun for yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Buy yourself a new outfit. <br /><br />4) Throw a valentine's day dinner party for people who have no partner or whose partner is away (military, etc.). It will be a nice way to spend the evening, knowing that those you invite will appreciate the invitation on a day difficult for them as well.<br /><br />The idea here is to try to not dwell on the sad feelings, but rather focus on others and what you do have in your life. It is normal to long for a partner, and if that sad feeling is an ongoing thing for you, then it may be that you need to work through the feelings with a counselor. If it is only "seasonal" then taking care of yourself will help greatly!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-71448553022523965912011-01-31T09:17:00.000-08:002011-01-31T09:42:03.708-08:00FogWe have been having an extra long period of fog here in our area. I'm not talking about fog that burns off by 9 or 10 a.m. This fog can last until early afternoon and then rolls back in in early evening. It is frustrating. It causes all kinds of road mishaps. It is something that builds uncertainty into our plans for the day sometimes.<br /><br />When I'm driving on the freeway in thick, thick fog (the kind where you can barely see 1/4 mile ahead of you) it always has a feeling of uncertainty. What if there is an accident ahead that I can't see? What if the fog gets worse up there? Maybe I should get off and wait. But what if just 1/2 mile up the road it is completely clear? What to do. What to do.<br /><br />I think that there are some things about fog that can be applied to our relationships. Mostly in the area of understand what our partner is thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing.<br /><br />When there are things in our relationship that cause us issues, it is probably because we "can't see through the fog" and neither can our partner.<br /><br />Here is an example:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; color: rgb(153, 102, 51);"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">A woman sees her husband's frustration in looking for something he has misplaced. She feels compassion for him, and offers to help. He gets very angry and yells at her, "I can do it myself."</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">She feels confused and literally "in a fog" as to why he would react so strongly and negatively to her offer of help. On her side of the "fog," she felt compassion and love and care which prompted her to offer help. On his side of the "fog" he feels angry and put down when she offers help.</span><br /></div><br />The only way to break through the fog is to talk it out and see "through the fog" and understand what is on each side of this murky abyss.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">They sit down later and talk about what each was feeling. It turns out that he had been beating himself up for misplacing the thing he was looking for, and in his head the tapes were playing. Tapes from his childhood of his dad telling him he was a loser and would never amount to anything.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 0, 0);">Aha, now it makes sense to her why he reacted as he did to her offer of help. He wasn't reacting to her. He was reacting to his dad and the old tapes.</span><br /></div><br />So what is the "fog" in your relationship? When things "don't make sense," try to remember that on your partner's side of the "fog" it makes perfect sense to him/her. Talk about it so that you can peer through the fog and see what is on the other side.<br /><br />Things that make no sense to us make perfect sense to our partners, and the only way to understand is to communicate.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-83523820771163293882011-01-10T11:20:00.000-08:002011-01-10T11:43:30.752-08:00Words Mean SomethingThe tragedy in Arizona with the gunning down of innocent people, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Federal Judge John Roll, has sent shock waves through our country. We now know that the shooter was a man who apparently is mentally ill. <br /><br />It is unclear whether he was motivated by political rhetoric that was vicious and threatening. We may never know. What we do know is that some people are motivated by that kind of talk, and certain mentally ill people may act on what they hear instead of filtering it out.<br /><br />The discussion that has arisen from this tragedy is one about words and how they change people, motivate people, influence people, and the climate they create.<br /><br />It is simple. Words mean something. We can disagree, but we must not allow our disagreements to become personal attacks or threats.<br /><br />It comes down to respect. It is important to have a basic respect for people, even if we disagree with their politics, their religion, or whatever else. If we have respect, we can enter a healthy discussion where ideas are shared, examined, and debated. Ultimately, we can have a better understanding of the other's views, though we still may disagree.<br /><br />Respect and healthy disagreement is a part of every relationship--our "relationship" with our elected officials, or our relationships with family and friends. It is my sincere hope that this recent tragedy will change the way we talk to each other when we disagree. <br /><br />I think it starts with John Q. Citizen. We must become intolerant of personal attacks and send that message in whatever way we can to our leaders. This is one thing that I personally believe will not change from the top down. I think we need a grassroots effort on this one.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-45036800572407438812010-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:002010-12-20T14:40:43.058-08:00New Year ResolutionIt's that time again! The start of a new year is soon upon us. Out with the old. In with the new.<br /><br />Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.<br /><br />Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.<br /><br />I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.<br /><br />If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:<br /><br />1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.<br />2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.<br />3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!<br />4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!<br /><br />Happy new year!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-23998109606001044952010-12-06T10:43:00.000-08:002010-12-06T11:03:58.510-08:00Making Holiday MemoriesOne way to avoid holiday stress is to focus on what is important.<br /><br />The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from <a style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;" href="http://cornerstone-counseling.blogspot.com/2010/10/holiday-stress.html">October 11</a>).<br /><br />When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.<br /><br />Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.<br /><ul><li>Decorate the tree together as a family. String popcorn and make homemade ornaments.</li><li>Go out in the town you live in and look at Christmas lights.</li><li>Volunteer to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. Do it as a family.</li><li>Go Christmas caroling as a family or organize a caroling party with other families. Go caroling, and then come back to your house for hot chocolate.<br /></li><li>Adopt a family who is less fortunate. Buy presents and provide their Christmas dinner. Include your children in this venture!</li><li>Do advent activities. Here is a very fun and easy one that will help even the smallest children understand the meaning of Christmas. It is called <a style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" href="http://www.theadventevent.com/index.php">"The Advent Event"</a> and I highly recommend it!</li><li>Take your family to musical events in your town, things such as Christmas pageants, musicals, Handel's Messiah, etc.</li><li>Consider starting a "Christmas Scrapbook" where you all write and enter pictures of your holiday activities. Each year, you can look at Christmases past and add to it.<br /></li></ul>The list of ideas is endless, really, but those kinds of things will make memories for your family for years to come. Toys break. Clothes wear out. Electronics become obsolete. But memories you will have forever!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-5037554189086926542010-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:002010-11-08T10:42:52.781-08:00Avoiding PainWhen I have a new client, it is usually pain that brings them to me in the first place. It is pretty common for people to come in and use the first session or two to kind of "bring me up to speed" on what is going on and what is happening in their lives.<br /><br />It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.<br /><br />One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.<br /><br />It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.<br /><br />Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.<br /><br />It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-31269751407774591532010-10-25T10:13:00.000-07:002010-10-25T10:32:26.125-07:00ParentingParenting is a mixed bag! It is one of the most important and rewarding jobs we'll ever do in our lives, but it is sometimes stressful and full of concerns.<br /><br />One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.<br /><br />Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.<br /><br />Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?<br /><br />Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.<br /><br />Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.<br /><br />It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:<br /><br /><ul><li>What does this decision teach my child about ______? (fill in the blank with the priority you're thinking about)</li><li>How does this decision line up with what I want my child to understand about _______?</li><li>If I make this decision, will my child get the impression that ______ is less important?</li></ul><br />You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">(although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices)</span> to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-83240859937319909292010-10-11T12:34:00.000-07:002010-10-11T12:57:48.701-07:00Holiday StressIt is that time of year again!<br /><br />Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.<br /><br />My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Family Boundaries</span> - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">inlaws</span>, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.<br /><br />Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.<br /><br />I have three married children who all have <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">inlaws</span>, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">inlaws</span> on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Money Boundaries</span> - Money is perhaps the biggest <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">stressor</span> at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.<br /><br />Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">someone's</span> car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.<br /><br />Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Time Boundaries</span> - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">lightings</span>, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. <span style="color: rgb(153, 51, 153); font-weight: bold;">"I cannot be out every night during the weekend"</span> or <span style="color: rgb(0, 153, 0); font-weight: bold;">"I can only do one activity per weekend"</span> or <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51); font-weight: bold;">"I'll do two activities per week."</span>) Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.<br /><br />Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">*************<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Decide your boundaries, and then stick to them. You will probably find yourself less stressed and enjoying the holidays more!<br /></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-40809326188130742942010-09-27T09:23:00.001-07:002010-09-27T10:00:32.838-07:00Hard TimesHard times have hit us big time! People have lost retirements, houses, jobs, and careers. Investments have plummeted and, depending on who you listen to, there is no end in sight.<br /><br />While many of us will agree that "money isn't everything" and that "you can't take it with you," we would probably agree also that these kinds of financial hits put stress on our lives in other areas.<br /><br />People get depressed or feel anxious. Sometimes they play the Blame Game. There is a feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do next.<br /><br />The thing is this: We will all hit hard times in one way or another all along our life path. The trick is to not let it destroy our lives. Here are some thoughts about that:<br /><br />1) Keep talking. I find that when people can talk with their loved ones about how they are feeling, it creates a climate of openness and support that can help them through it. Also, in a healthy talking relationship, there may be less likelihood of turning to addictions or maladaptive behaviors.<br /><br />2) Regularly assess what you DO have. It is easy to get so focused on the loss of a job or a pension that we lose sight of what we do have. "I still have my family." or "I still have my faith." or "We still have our love." Remember, that people have weathered things like the Great Depression of the '30s and come out of it with their families still intact. It is a matter of keeping focused on the positives in your life so that you don't lose hope.<br /><br />3) Keep busy. If you are out of work, make looking for a job your full time job. Volunteer at a community helps agency, the library, or a hospital. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and do nothing. It isn't good for you emotionally or physically.<br /><br />4) Accept what is. That doesn't mean accept your situation in a way that is unhealthy and leads to depression and hopelessness. Accept that what has happened has happened and that nothing will change that. Instead of staying stuck in the "it's not fair" mode, tell yourself "It is what it is" and move on.<br /><br />5) To accomplish acceptance (#4 above) it probably will involve some grieving. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief in a way that will produce a healthy outcome for you. Do you know the stages? If you were going through a <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255); font-weight: bold;">job loss</span> or <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51); font-weight: bold;">loss of investment money</span>, it might look like this:<br /><ul><li><span style="font-weight: bold;">Denial -</span><br /></li></ul> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"I think they made a mistake when they laid me off. They'll probably</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> call back soon and rehire me."</span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);">"The investment guy doesn't have his facts straight. We didn't lose</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);"> that much money."</span><br /><ul style="font-weight: bold;"><li>Anger -</li></ul> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"It is not fair for them to lay me off after all these years. I hope my</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> boss gets fired too."</span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);">"My investment guy is an idiot. This loss is his fault."</span><br /><ul><li><span style="font-weight: bold;">Bargaining -</span><br /></li></ul> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"If only I would have gone to college. They wouldn't have laid me</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> off."</span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);">"I should never have invested in that high risk stock."</span><br /><ul style="font-weight: bold;"><li>Depression -</li></ul> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"That job was the best one I've ever had, and I'll never find one as</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> good as that again."</span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);">"I'll never be able to make up the money I lost."</span><br /><ul style="font-weight: bold;"><li>Acceptance -</li></ul> <span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">"That was a good job, but it is gone. I will move on and find another</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"> job."</span><br /> <span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);">"I have no control over the stock market. All I can do is the best I</span><br /><span style="color: rgb(153, 102, 51);"> can."</span><br /><br />Finally, as I've said in previous posts, it is extremely important to take good care of yourself during hard times. Exercise, eat right, and get good sleep. Without those three things, your body and mind will be depleted and you will not be able to function well or make healthy choices.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-47072182340936856142010-09-13T13:29:00.000-07:002010-09-13T15:00:12.262-07:00Lies We BelieveOften, in my work with clients, we begin to uncover some of the lies that they believe that are adding to their distress.<br /><br />"I will never be good enough."<br />"I must have a great job in order to be happy."<br />"I have done terrible things, and God can't possibly love me."<br />"I can't trust anyone."<br />"I must please people in order to be accepted."<br />"I can never say no, or people won't love me."<br /><br />The list of lies could go on forever, it would seem.<br /><br />Lies are sometimes very subtle. They are packed in under layers of life experiences and are sometimes rooted way back in childhood.<br /><br />You had a critical mom? You probably have some lies you believe that are related to that.<br /><br />You had an angry father? Your dad probably planted some lies in your head when you were little.<br /><br />You had a teacher or a coach who made you feel bad about yourself? You probably believe some lies related to your relationship with him or her.<br /><br />Lies are subtle, but once we discover what they are we can begin to tell ourselves the truth. Once we believe the truth, we will notice that we begin to feel less distressed in many cases.<br /><br />So here's a place to start: The next time you feel anxious or depressed or stressed, notice what is buzzing around in your head. Write down some of those negative things that you are telling yourself.<br /><br />Then take that list and see if they line up with truth from God's word. Remember that sometimes lies are partly true, so you have to look carefully.<br /><br />If you are having trouble discerning if they are lies, then maybe a trusted friend or your pastor could help you pull it apart and separate lies from truth.<br /><br />Finally, remember that you have believed the lies for so long, that they may very well feel like truth to you. So when you begin to tell yourself the truth, it may feel so foreign that it may feel like a lie. That can be a difficult place to be, but keep going. See if you can't turn it around.<br /><br />You'll be glad you did!Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-29872205444363457642010-08-30T16:46:00.000-07:002010-08-30T17:05:39.473-07:00ContentmentOne of the things that clients often talk about is contentment. They struggle to really be content with where they are, who they are, what they have, and on and on. I think that most of us have struggled with that at one point or another in our lives. <br /><br />In Philippians 4:11, Paul writes, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."<br /><br />If you go back and look up what the word "learned" means in the original language, you will find that it is the kind of learning that is a <u>process</u>. Further, it is a process of learning that ends with the learner actually being different. An inside change. Not cosmetic. Not putting on an act. It is a deep down inside contentment.<br /><br />But because it is a <u>process</u>, it didn't happen overnight. We don't know what kind of a person Paul was before his conversion. What we do know is that he <u>learned</u> to be content. We can also learn to be content.<br /><br />Rabbi Hyman Schachtel is credited with saying, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."<br /><br />It takes a shift in thinking, among other things, to become content. It may also take working through some issues to discover where the discontentment came from or where you're stuck. You may have some depression or anxiety that needs to be dealt with, or possibly some obsessive thinking.<br /><br />Once those things are taken care of, then it is a matter of focusing on the good in what you do have. Look for the good in your life, starting with the God that you serve. Then look at the good people in your life who bring you joy. Look at the needs you have that <u>are</u> being met. <br /><br />I'm not suggesting that you go into denial and don't think about the difficult circumstances. Of course you should. But think about them in constructive ways. What can I do to change this situation? What can I learn from this? <br /><br /><u>Think</u> about the difficulty, but <u>focus</u> on the good thing. Many times in difficult situations it is tempting to focus on the difficulty.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-6622490344007620332010-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:002010-08-30T17:06:25.092-07:00Helping Children Deal with GriefLoss is a part of life. We all face losses of different types all along our journey, and some of those losses happen when we are still children.<br /><br />I often have parents ask me, "How do I help my child deal with this loss?" Questions often center around dealing with funeral attendance, talking about the person that died, dealing with emotions, talking about death. Those are good questions, and here are some of my thoughts and opinions:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1)</span> If you plan to include children in the funeral service, explain to them ahead of time what it is and what they can expect to see there (i.e. the body in the casket, flowers, etc.). My personal preference is to not have children younger than four at the service, but parents have to make that decision themselves.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2)</span> Children should absolutely be involved in the family gatherings. It is good for them to see that loss can occur and that the family is still together and supporting each other.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3)</span> Talking about the death is helpful, and parents should talk honestly and openly. It is not a good idea to tell children that "grandpa went to sleep and is in heaven," because that may make the child fearful of going to sleep. Be honest.<br /><br />"Grandpa was sick, not the same thing as when we get a cold or a tummy ache. He'd been sick for a long time and he wasn't getting well. So he went to be with Jesus in heaven."<br /><br />"There was a bad accident, and Aunt Jill died."<br /><br />"Grandma was very old, and her body got worn out. When that happens, people's bodies just don't work quite right, and they die. That's what happened to Grandma. She died and went to heaven."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4)</span> Answer children's questions as best you can in an age-appropriate manner. Don't give too much information, and be aware that questions may come up over the course of weeks/months, so one conversation about it will probably not be enough. Let the child set the pace.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5)</span> It is also okay for you to talk about your own feelings with your child. It is good for them to understand that you are feeling sad, so that they can observe you getting through the pain. They will understand from that, that death is a part of life, that life goes on, and that after a loss we can feel joy again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6)</span> Allow the children to talk about the person has died. Don't remove their pictures from your home. It is good to talk about happy times with grandpa or the camping trip with Aunt Jill. It helps the child to remember that they still have that person in their memories and their hearts.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7)</span> Sometimes it can be helpful for a child to do some sort of activity as a part of their grieving. Make a scrapbook of fun times with the deceased person. Make a memory box. Plant a tree or some flowers. Write in a journal or write a letter to the person and read it out loud. Anything that is meaningful to the child.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8)</span> Finally, there are some books that you can read to the child that may be very helpful. Check with online sources or your local bookstore, but here are a few titles to get you started:<br /><br /><u>Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven</u> by Maribeth Boelts<br /><u>The Goodbye Boat</u> by Mary Joslin<br /><u>Talk to Me Grandpa! Talk to Me!</u> by Dawn Bernstrom Fullerton<br /><u>Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven</u> by Maribeth Boelts<br /><u>After the Funeral</u> by Jane Winch<br /><u>Summerland: A Story about Death and Hope</u> by Eyvind Skeie<br /><br />It is very important that children grieve in a healthy way, because it sets the tone for how they will deal with loss throughout their lives.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-54640425858178400792010-08-01T21:17:00.000-07:002010-08-19T17:42:27.243-07:00Time Out!Sometimes the couples that I counsel talk very early on in the counseling process about their pattern of conflict. Often their arguments escalate until one or both of them are over the top angry. Rather than the problem being solved, it becomes more and more complicated as emotions get out of control and hurtful words are unleashed.<br /><br />Since one of my goals is to help people to communicate better, I offer some tips to help clients learn to deal with big anger. When you get to the point of anger where you are literally in "fight or flight" mode, you are probably not going to talk rationally and it is not a good idea to continue.<br /><br />So what should you do? Take a time out! Take a "purposeful time out." A purposeful time out is not storming out of the house and peeling rubber in the driveway.<br /><br />Signal your partner that you need a time out by labeling it as a time out and giving it a end point target. Say something like, "I can see that we are both angry so let's take a time out and we'll talk about this in an hour." Or "I am feeling angry, and I don't want to make the problem worse. Give me an hour and I'll come back and talk to you about this at 5:00."<br /><br />Then you take the time out and at the designated time you come back and try again. If the anger escalates again, you take another time out.<br /><br />Here are some tips for what to do during the time out:<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1)</span> Remember that the purpose of a time out is prepare yourself to be able to come back and solve the problem with your partner.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2)</span> Preparation for coming back together involves calming yourself down. Go for a walk. Journal. Pray. Do whatever it is that helps you to calm down.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3)</span> Preparation for continuing to talk also involves preparing what you want to say. Think about how to share with your partner your concerns and your feelings about the problem. Do this with respect. No name calling or labeling. No bringing up the past. No use of trigger words such as "always" and "never."<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4)</span> Also use the time out to try to see the problem from your partner's point of view. Work on empathy for him or her.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5)</span> Focus on the good about your partner. Is he a good provider? Is she generally nurturing and caring? Is she generally helpful? Is he a good father? Do you enjoy her jokes? Does he usually make you feel loved? Those are things that can help you to frame the problem in a way that can lead to a healthy discussion and then a positive outcome.<br /><br />Remember that when you continue on and let anger escalate, the damage done can be devastating. You may say things that will hurt your partner and you may hear things that are hard to forget. Time outs will help minimize the damage.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-9569246473768842562010-07-19T10:15:00.000-07:002010-08-19T17:44:28.041-07:00Grief and LossLoss is a part of life, and we all experience it. Some people just keep going and "stuff" those feelings. Some people allow themselves to feel the pain. If you have experienced a loss, there are some things to keep in mind as you go through the grieving process.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1)</span> It isn't helpful to stuff the feelings. If you do, then you are carrying the grief with you and the grief actually will get bigger over time. The next time you experience a loss, the stuffed feelings will now be compounded with the new loss. It is important to let yourself grieve with each loss.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2)</span> Remember that the feelings of sadness, anger, shock, and guilt are all a part of the grieving process.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3)</span> It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. Make sure you are getting nutrition even if it is only a few bites per meal. Sleep regularly. Get some exercise several times a week. Nutrition, sleep and exercise are essential ingredients to staying well during this time of loss.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4)</span> This is a time to really allow those around you to help you and comfort you. Don't isolate, even though you may feel like doing that. While some "alone" time may be good and healthy, try to balance that with time spent with others. Allow family and friends to help out and comfort. A meal. A cup of tea. A chat. Anything that is an expression of nurture and care.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5)</span> Remember that grieving is a process that takes time. How long it takes depends upon many factors. There is no timetable. Be patient with yourself, and don't allow the impatience of others (<span style="font-style: italic;">"Aren't you ever going to move on?"</span>) to dictate how long you grieve.<br /><br />Sometimes it may be helpful to reach out to a pastor or a counselor to help you through the grieving process. It is important to be able to talk about your loss and the myriad of feelings in a place that is safe and nurturing.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-63098944458649117682010-07-04T16:54:00.000-07:002010-07-19T10:37:04.258-07:00Change Your ThoughtsThe Bible is filled with scriptures about thoughts and how they affect us. Here are a few:<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">For as as a man thinks within himself, so he is. Proverbs 23:7</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.<br />II Corinthians 10:5</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">I believe that our thoughts can affect deeply how we feel. I often tell people, if you change how you think then you will change how you feel. That may seem like a very simplistic approach, but it is a useful tool in dealing with many situations in our lives. That may be why recovery programs often deal a lot with what they call "stinkin' thinkin' that causes people to stay stuck.<br /><br />Let's look at why changing your thinking can change how you feel.<br /><br />I think of the feeling (depression or anxiety for example) as a "fire." The fire is fueled by thoughts. If I think depressed thoughts, I will increase my depression. If I think anxious thoughts, I will increase my anxiety.<br /><br />This is in no way to say that the way I think will necessarily change my situation. But it is to say that thinking in a healthy way can help the depressed or anxious feelings to lessen or not become worse.<br /><br />For example, in the case of anxiety, what does the Apostle Paul write?<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Paul says not to be anxious, and he says to talk to God about our situation. He says to be thankful. If we do those things we will have peace.<br /><br />If I am thinking thankful thoughts, it is much more likely that I will see God and His ability to be at work in my life. If I see Him at work in my life, it is much more likely that I will understand that He is in control of my current situation. If I see Him in control of my current situation, I am much more likely to feel less anxious.<br /><br />Obviously, there are many things that may make it difficult to think that way. That is where a therapist or pastor may be able to help you "get there."<br /><br />You can't always change your situation, but if you change the way you think, you may be able to go through it with less anxiety or depression.<br /><br />Food for thought!<br /></div></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-86124336807125436002010-06-11T13:57:00.000-07:002010-06-11T14:30:25.123-07:00What Can You Change?<div style="text-align: center; font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family:Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;">God grant me the serenity </span><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;"> to accept the things I cannot change; </span><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;"> courage to change the things I can;</span><br /><span style="font-family:Georgia,Times New Roman,Times,serif;"> and wisdom to know the difference. </span><br /><div style="text-align: center;"> - Reinhold Niebuhr<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">This prayer is commonly called the "Serenity Prayer." It has been used widely as a way of helping people to find peace. While I don't believe that the prayer alone can help us find peace, I do believe that it holds some nuggets of truth which can be helpful when we feel "stuck."<br /><br />Sometimes when we are in the midst of a difficult situation, it is easy to begin to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what we're facing. We look at the big picture, and we feel like we are facing a giant. Sometimes we are. Many times we are.<br /><br />One of the things I like to do is to encourage people to break the situation down into manageable chunks. In other words, don't try to solve your problem in one sweep. Instead, is there a part of the problem that you could make a change in order to help with the situation? If there is, then work on that part.<br /><br />Every year after Christmas, our family takes down our Christmas tree and packs up the lights and ornaments for use the following year. With the following year in mind, I always take the job of carefully winding up the ten strings of lights and placing them in the box so that the following year we just simply unwind them and aren't faced with a tangled mess of lights that can take an hour to untangle.<br /><br />As careful as I am, each year the lights are completely tangled up and I am found sitting at the kitchen table untangling them. I have become somewhat of an expert.<br /><br />What I have discovered about untangling lights can be helpful in untangling the situations in our lives.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1) Work on one strand at a time. Catch the end of it and follow it, unloop it, and pull it through until it is completely free from the pile.</span><br /><br />In life, what that means is identify a piece of the bigger problem that can be resolved, and work to resolve that. For example, let's say you are dealing with a college age child whose car needs a transmission, but he has no money to fix it and wants you to fix it. You are already stretched to the maximum, and can't help. You may not be able to solve his car problems, but you might be able to get him a bus pass to get him back and forth to college. That is an example of solving one part of the problem. It doesn't fix the whole thing (doesn't fix the transmission), but it eases some of the pain of the situation.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2) Don't get distracted by the pile.</span><br /><br />In life, what it means is that you can focus on the part of the problem that you are currently working on instead of worrying about whether you will solve the big problem. If you spend your time focusing only on the big problem, you will be back at being overwhelmed again.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3) Have patience.</span><br /><br />Problems don't happen overnight. Even problems that appear out of nowhere have usually been brewing for a long time. It takes time to solve problems, and it takes a lot of work. Keep your eye on what you CAN do, and don't fret about what you can't.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4) Untangling is work. Untangling doesn't just magically happen on its own.</span><br /><br />What that means in life is that it will take work to make changes that can help alleviate a difficult situation. Sometimes the changes in themselves are painful. Sometimes the changes can even seem to make things worse at first. Keep going. Trust God and trust His voice leading you and directing you.<br /><br />In most every situation there are changes which can be made. Look for those things, and begin to do the work. You will be surprised that at some point those changes will pay off and you'll find yourself in a healthier place!<br /><br />Try it!<br /></span></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2913975718092069976.post-89363374354782604832009-11-05T15:41:00.000-08:002009-11-05T15:56:34.045-08:00Decisions, DecisionsOne of the things that I always tell people is not to make decisions, especially really important, life-changing decisions when you are emotional. Sometimes you are forced to, of course, but if possible, always make decisions from a calm and collected place.<br /><br />In making decisions, here are some things to consider:<br /><br />1) I am a big believer in getting feedback from those in my life that I trust. We all need to develop at least two or three relationships with people who we know love us and want the best for us. Those who love us enough to be honest with us. My preference is to get feedback from someone who has a close relationship with God and knows and lives by His word.<br /><br />Getting feedback helps you to see a different perspective. If you were to tell a particular situation to a group of ten people, everyone would have a slightly different take on it. That is a GOOD thing, because we often have tunnel vision in seeing the things we face in our lives. Getting feedback from others gives us a broader perspective and it also may generate solutions that we haven't even thought of before!<br /><br />2) Don't make decisions hastily. Take your time. If you are making a decision from a place of urgency ("we must file bankruptcy today" or "we have to move to Indiana NOW") then you probably are not working with a clear head. Realize that the vast majority of the decisions that we make don't have to be made TODAY, and if we are having an urgent feeling we are much more likely to make a decision we will regret.<br /><br />Of course, there are times when we have to decide immediately. All I am saying is to be very careful in rushing to a decision in the midst of a crisis. Whenever possible, take your time and think carefully.<br /><br />3) Look for all the alternatives in making a decision. Talk with people, both friends and professionals. Ask for information and advice. You will much more likely make a good choice if you are armed with as much information as possible.<br /><br />4) Ask yourself if the choice you are considering lines up with your moral code, ethical standards, and religious beliefs. In my case, I check my thinking against what the Bible says. If I am not thinking/acting in accordance with my core beliefs, it will be something I will regret down the road.<br /><br />Be true to good morals, ethics and spiritual beliefs, and you will much more likely not deal with regret or guilt. When we violate our core values, it has a ripple effect that can last years.<br /><br />5) Ask yourself if the situation you find yourself in is a pattern in your life. If so, take measures to break the pattern, but also to respond to the situation in a different way than you have in the past. Changing your response can be the first step towards breaking the pattern.<br /><br />These are tough times. Make decisions carefully!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com