Cornerstone Counseling

Transitions

2011-07-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

One of the things that increases our stress is any kind of change or transition. Be it a happy one (having a baby or getting promoted) or a difficult one (divorce or financial loss), changes will produce stress. There are lots of tests out there (you can find them on the internet) but to test your stress level, try this test to help you see where you are.

If you look back on this blog, you will notice that I haven't blogged for a couple of months. I was definitely in a period of transition in my life, and setting aside blogging was one way of coping.

Dealing with transitions can be stressful because often there are a lot of things "up in the air" and undecided, and sometimes one decision depends on another decision. You can literally feel like your head is whirling which, of course, adds to the stress.

Here are some pointers:

1) Simplify as much as possible. Set aside for a time the things that don't have to be done or dealt with.

2) At the same time, try to keep as much continuity in your life as seems helpful to you.

3) Focus on today and try not to worry about decisions that you can't make today. (There is a difference between thinking about decisions and worrying. You get that, right?)

4) Continue healthy habits of eating right, sleeping, and exercising.

5) Remind yourself that there are likely no decisions or moves to be made that are earth shattering or can't be altered if needed. You don't have to navigate this transition perfectly.

Transitions go better if we take one day at a time and envision a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it is difficult to see that, but keep in mind that you have made other transitions in your life and come out okay. Chances are you will this time as well!

Wishing, Hoping, Dreaming

2011-05-10T19:27:00.000-07:00

Remember that old Dusty Springfield song, "Wishing and Hoping." Part of it went like this:

Show him that you care just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
cause you won't get him, thinking and praying,
wishing and hoping.
Hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him.
Just do it and after you do, you will be his

Really? Seriously? If only it was that easy!

Sometimes clients are in a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't want to commit to marriage or who isn't ready. They often ask me how they know if they should wait it out or move on.

It's hard to answer that question, because just as there are a million different relationships, there are an equal number of factors that can enter into such a decision.

In general, though, here are some things to consider.

1) Is this person worth waiting for? Ask yourself, in general, if this person has all the qualities you want in a partner. Consider employment, character, personality, family relationship, desire for children, habits, legal issues, etc. If you are waiting for a person who has major issues that you hope will be changed by marriage, you need to realize that marriage will not change who they are.

2) How long have you been in this relationship? If you have been in a relationship for over two years and there is still no long-term commitment from your partner, then the relationship needs to be examined. I generally feel that after one year you should both know if this relationship will work or not.

3) Do you find yourself arguing over the lack of long-term commitment? Be careful of that. If you end up engaged because of pressure you have put on your partner, you may find yourself in one of two situations. First, you may have an angry partner who will (later on) complain that he/she was forced to marry you. Second, you may find yourself engaged for a very long time and the argument will no longer be about becoming engaged but rather about setting a wedding date.

Decisions to leave a relationship are painful for both people, but sometimes it is better to give yourselves a chance to start over with someone who will make a commitment rather than spend time and energy trying to talk someone into marrying you.

Snapshots

2011-04-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

One of the things I hear very often is parents telling me how their children are kind of a mixed bag when it comes to personality and behavior.

One day ten year old Jessica is being stubborn and uncooperative and the next day is helpful and kind. Eight year old Derek is selfish and angry at times and suddenly asks you if he can give his weekly allowance to a kid in his class who has no lunch. Fifteen year old Brittany is withdrawn and cranky, and the next thing you know she is out front helping the elderly neighbor next door carry in her groceries.

Parents are often confused by this as they worry about what their children are becoming. Of course, they want to see the helpful, kind, giving part of them be the default behavior in their children, but worry that the negative part will choke out the positive.

I often explain to parents that when we see those positive behaviors and attitudes in our children, they are like snapshots of who they may become. Those little moments demonstrate that the positive qualities you are trying to instill "are in there" but just well hidden at times.

Let those snapshots serve as a reminder to you that the seeds you are planting in your child are taking root, and they need to be tended to. How do we do that? Here are some suggestions:

1) Talk respectfully to your child, even when he/she doesn't earn it. That doesn't mean that you need to accept bad behavior, but don't resort to name calling or labeling.

2) Along with that, try to remember to label the behavior and not your child. Say, "that was wrong to hit your sister" rather than "you are bad."

3) Always affirm good behavior. Let your child know that you notice when he/she behaves in a way that pleases you.

4) Label your child in positive ways whenever possible. Say, "You are such a loving big brother," or "I see you being so helpful to your friends." Your child will be encouraged by those words.

Whatever you do, keep those snapshots of the good in your heart and your mind. Refer to those when you are frustrated with your child. Use them to encourage you to keep going, knowing that eventually the little seedlings you've planted will grow into strong trees with deep roots that produce good fruit.

People Who Aren't Like Me

2011-03-28T11:18:00.000-07:00

We often are in relationships with people who are different from us. This is true in our family relationships or relationships at work or with friends and neighbors. That can be a source of both frustration and growth. If we see ourselves or our way as "right" and the other person or their way as "wrong," then we miss out on a great opportunity to benefit from what they bring to the table.

For the follower of Christ, if we keep in mind that God wants us to be more like Him, we will remember that we are constantly being molded into His image. We are growing in love, grace, compassion, gentleness, kindness, peacefulness, patience and much more.

That's the good news! The bad news is that He accomplishes that by putting us in situations where we have an opportunity to learn something or to fight against whatever "it" is.

God uses others in our lives to expose parts of ourselves that need to change. Sometimes He exposes boundaries that are missing or sagging. Sometimes He exposes selfishness, jealousy, narcissism, inflated egos, pride, arrogance, and other things that are in need of being rooted out and replaced with love, kindness, compassion, giving, self-control and much more.

Whatever it is He wants to accomplish in us, we need to keep in mind that it is for our ultimate good.

What if everything in the world was blue? Instead of our eyes feasting on the wonderful colors in nature, we would be all subjected to a view that would be decidedly boring! Without different colors, I doubt if artists such as Thomas Gainsborough, Claude Monet, Auguste Renoir, or James McNeill Whistler would have been inspired to create their beautiful works of art. It takes the blues, greens, yellows, reds, and purples to give contrast that makes it all beautiful!

What if everything we ate tasted like chocolate? As much as I really love dark chocolate, I have to admit that after awhile I would be really tired of it. We need sweet, salty, and savory. We need smooth and crunchy. We need different flavors and textures to make food interesting. Chefs such as Bobby Flay, Cat Cora, Emeril Lagasse, Giada De Laurentiis, or Michael Symon would not be inspired to create their yummy dishes if all foods were the same!

It is the same with people! God made us all different for a reason. If we were all the same, we would be like cardboard cutouts or clones and our relationships would be, well...boring at best!

In relationship difficulty where there are differences of style or opinion, here are some tips:

1) Remember that this is probably not "life and death." Develop a healthy sense of humor about your differences with the other person. Learn to laugh at yourself as well!

2) Remember that it is very possible that this other person is not wrong, but just different.

3) See what you can learn about the situation and seek compromise.

4) Learn to communicate to see how they view whatever the situation is.

5) Develop an interest in figuring out "what makes this person tick." He/she sees the world differently than you do. What makes no sense to you makes perfect sense to him/her.

6) Ask yourself if there are unhealthy or sinful attitudes in you that are being exposed and take steps to turn that around.

Variety is good and we can really learn from one another if we approach it with a healthy attitude! When we learn to see others who are different from ourselves as persons of value who bring something valuable to the table, we can begin to function together in ways that are beneficial.

Busy Kids

2011-03-14T15:56:00.000-07:00

One of the things I notice more and more these days is how busy people are. Parents have their children involved in lots of extra-curricular activities--dance, football, piano lessons, Brownies, soccer, gymnastics, 4-H, Boy Scouts--the list is endless it would seem. There are so many wonderful things to choose from that afford your children with opportunities to learn teamwork, character, responsibility, work ethic, etc.

I think that all of this is very good. The concern I often have is the lack of balance in these kids' lives.

Kids often talk to me about how stressed they are. They talk about not having a lot of time to just relax between school, homework, and other activities. When I ask them what they would like to change, they say that they don't want to change anything. They really like all of the after school things they are doing. That is where parents come in.

Parents need to set limits on schedule and activities. Don't expect your child to find him/her own limits. They have lots of energy and literally want to do everything that comes along! Don't sign your kids up for something just because they "really want to do it!" Kids don't have the ability to predict the stress they will feel being so busy.

When you think about adding a new activity to your child's schedule, consider these things:

1) What does the overall schedule look like currently?
2) How will this new activity change the schedule?
3) What affect will this activity have on the family? How will it coordinate with other family member's activities?
4) Will the child have sufficient "down time" to just play and be a kid?
5) How will my child benefit from this activity?

I believe that kids need to be exploring different activities, but not all at one time. They are kids. Let them have time to just rest, play, and be kids. Teach them balance early, and it will be something that will go with them into adulthood.

People Who Need People

2011-02-28T22:22:00.000-08:00

Do you remember this song sung by Barbra Streisand?

"People, people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world."

Ultimately, I think that is a true statement. It has layers of meanings, of course. But for me, it reminds us that we do need each other and we are blessed if we understand that! We are relationship-oriented beings by nature. Our ancestors lived in tribes and communities where there was a healthy interdependence.

Somewhere along the line we replaced interdependence with independence and that became the norm. Now there is definitely a place for independence, but we need to live in community where we are dependent upon others and they are dependent upon us.

Together we can live and grow and thrive. We learn from each other. We encourage one another. We help each other. We carry one another's burdens, and we discover that a load is lighter when carried by two.

To be healthy we need to be in relationships with family and friends. If we're not, not only does our emotional health suffer but our physical well-being is at risk as well.

I encourage people to find a way to form relationships. Join a Bible study group. Volunteer. Take a dance class. Take up a hobby. Once you begin to meet people, don't be afraid to invite someone to coffee. Relationships start small and they grow from there.

Relationships are one of our basic needs. Take the steps to develop some, rekindle some, or deepen some. The rewards may be great!

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T11:16:00.001-08:00

Today is Valentine's Day. One of the things that often comes up with people who are not in a relationship is that Valentine's Day is a day of loneliness and feeling different. For some, it reminds them of the grief they feel at not having a partner or having lost one.

Those feelings are valid and are to be acknowledged and worked through.

Valentine's Day, for some, is a day of mourning that springboards into a period of grief. While (as I stated above) the feeling is a normal feeling, here are some suggestions for not beginning a spiral down that may be difficult to pull out of.

1) Plan activities with single friends. Love is in the air, but there are different kinds of love. Friendships are a kind of love that is deep and meaningful. Enjoy them!

2) Make Valentine's Day about serving others. Make some cookies or homemade valentines and take them to the shut-ins in your community. The faces that light up will warm your heart!

3) Do something fun for yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Buy yourself a new outfit.

4) Throw a valentine's day dinner party for people who have no partner or whose partner is away (military, etc.). It will be a nice way to spend the evening, knowing that those you invite will appreciate the invitation on a day difficult for them as well.

The idea here is to try to not dwell on the sad feelings, but rather focus on others and what you do have in your life. It is normal to long for a partner, and if that sad feeling is an ongoing thing for you, then it may be that you need to work through the feelings with a counselor. If it is only "seasonal" then taking care of yourself will help greatly!

Fog

2011-01-31T09:17:00.000-08:00

We have been having an extra long period of fog here in our area. I'm not talking about fog that burns off by 9 or 10 a.m. This fog can last until early afternoon and then rolls back in in early evening. It is frustrating. It causes all kinds of road mishaps. It is something that builds uncertainty into our plans for the day sometimes.

When I'm driving on the freeway in thick, thick fog (the kind where you can barely see 1/4 mile ahead of you) it always has a feeling of uncertainty. What if there is an accident ahead that I can't see? What if the fog gets worse up there? Maybe I should get off and wait. But what if just 1/2 mile up the road it is completely clear? What to do. What to do.

I think that there are some things about fog that can be applied to our relationships. Mostly in the area of understand what our partner is thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing.

When there are things in our relationship that cause us issues, it is probably because we "can't see through the fog" and neither can our partner.

Here is an example:

A woman sees her husband's frustration in looking for something he has misplaced. She feels compassion for him, and offers to help. He gets very angry and yells at her, "I can do it myself."

She feels confused and literally "in a fog" as to why he would react so strongly and negatively to her offer of help. On her side of the "fog," she felt compassion and love and care which prompted her to offer help. On his side of the "fog" he feels angry and put down when she offers help.

The only way to break through the fog is to talk it out and see "through the fog" and understand what is on each side of this murky abyss.

They sit down later and talk about what each was feeling. It turns out that he had been beating himself up for misplacing the thing he was looking for, and in his head the tapes were playing. Tapes from his childhood of his dad telling him he was a loser and would never amount to anything.

Aha, now it makes sense to her why he reacted as he did to her offer of help. He wasn't reacting to her. He was reacting to his dad and the old tapes.

So what is the "fog" in your relationship? When things "don't make sense," try to remember that on your partner's side of the "fog" it makes perfect sense to him/her. Talk about it so that you can peer through the fog and see what is on the other side.

Things that make no sense to us make perfect sense to our partners, and the only way to understand is to communicate.

Words Mean Something

2011-01-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

The tragedy in Arizona with the gunning down of innocent people, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Federal Judge John Roll, has sent shock waves through our country. We now know that the shooter was a man who apparently is mentally ill.

It is unclear whether he was motivated by political rhetoric that was vicious and threatening. We may never know. What we do know is that some people are motivated by that kind of talk, and certain mentally ill people may act on what they hear instead of filtering it out.

The discussion that has arisen from this tragedy is one about words and how they change people, motivate people, influence people, and the climate they create.

It is simple. Words mean something. We can disagree, but we must not allow our disagreements to become personal attacks or threats.

It comes down to respect. It is important to have a basic respect for people, even if we disagree with their politics, their religion, or whatever else. If we have respect, we can enter a healthy discussion where ideas are shared, examined, and debated. Ultimately, we can have a better understanding of the other's views, though we still may disagree.

Respect and healthy disagreement is a part of every relationship--our "relationship" with our elected officials, or our relationships with family and friends. It is my sincere hope that this recent tragedy will change the way we talk to each other when we disagree.

I think it starts with John Q. Citizen. We must become intolerant of personal attacks and send that message in whatever way we can to our leaders. This is one thing that I personally believe will not change from the top down. I think we need a grassroots effort on this one.

New Year Resolution

2010-12-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's that time again! The start of a new year is soon upon us. Out with the old. In with the new.

Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.

Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.

I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.

If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:

1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.
2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.
3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!
4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!

Happy new year!

Making Holiday Memories

2010-12-06T10:43:00.000-08:00

One way to avoid holiday stress is to focus on what is important.

The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).

When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.

Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.

Decorate the tree together as a family. String popcorn and make homemade ornaments.
Go out in the town you live in and look at Christmas lights.
Volunteer to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. Do it as a family.
Go Christmas caroling as a family or organize a caroling party with other families. Go caroling, and then come back to your house for hot chocolate.
Adopt a family who is less fortunate. Buy presents and provide their Christmas dinner. Include your children in this venture!
Do advent activities. Here is a very fun and easy one that will help even the smallest children understand the meaning of Christmas. It is called "The Advent Event" and I highly recommend it!
Take your family to musical events in your town, things such as Christmas pageants, musicals, Handel's Messiah, etc.
Consider starting a "Christmas Scrapbook" where you all write and enter pictures of your holiday activities. Each year, you can look at Christmases past and add to it.

The list of ideas is endless, really, but those kinds of things will make memories for your family for years to come. Toys break. Clothes wear out. Electronics become obsolete. But memories you will have forever!

Avoiding Pain

2010-11-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

When I have a new client, it is usually pain that brings them to me in the first place. It is pretty common for people to come in and use the first session or two to kind of "bring me up to speed" on what is going on and what is happening in their lives.

It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.

One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.

It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.

Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.

It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.

Parenting

2010-10-25T10:13:00.000-07:00

Parenting is a mixed bag! It is one of the most important and rewarding jobs we'll ever do in our lives, but it is sometimes stressful and full of concerns.

One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.

Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.

Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?

Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.

Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.

It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:

What does this decision teach my child about ______? (fill in the blank with the priority you're thinking about)
How does this decision line up with what I want my child to understand about _______?
If I make this decision, will my child get the impression that ______ is less important?

You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity (although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices) to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.

Holiday Stress

2010-10-11T12:34:00.000-07:00

It is that time of year again!

Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.

My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!

Family Boundaries - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, inlaws, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.

Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.

I have three married children who all have inlaws, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with inlaws on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.

Money Boundaries - Money is perhaps the biggest stressor at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.

Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing someone's car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.

Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!

Time Boundaries - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-lightings, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. "I cannot be out every night during the weekend" or "I can only do one activity per weekend" or "I'll do two activities per week.") Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.

Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.

*************

Decide your boundaries, and then stick to them. You will probably find yourself less stressed and enjoying the holidays more!

Hard Times

2010-09-27T09:23:00.001-07:00

Hard times have hit us big time! People have lost retirements, houses, jobs, and careers. Investments have plummeted and, depending on who you listen to, there is no end in sight.

While many of us will agree that "money isn't everything" and that "you can't take it with you," we would probably agree also that these kinds of financial hits put stress on our lives in other areas.

People get depressed or feel anxious. Sometimes they play the Blame Game. There is a feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do next.

The thing is this: We will all hit hard times in one way or another all along our life path. The trick is to not let it destroy our lives. Here are some thoughts about that:

1) Keep talking. I find that when people can talk with their loved ones about how they are feeling, it creates a climate of openness and support that can help them through it. Also, in a healthy talking relationship, there may be less likelihood of turning to addictions or maladaptive behaviors.

2) Regularly assess what you DO have. It is easy to get so focused on the loss of a job or a pension that we lose sight of what we do have. "I still have my family." or "I still have my faith." or "We still have our love." Remember, that people have weathered things like the Great Depression of the '30s and come out of it with their families still intact. It is a matter of keeping focused on the positives in your life so that you don't lose hope.

3) Keep busy. If you are out of work, make looking for a job your full time job. Volunteer at a community helps agency, the library, or a hospital. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and do nothing. It isn't good for you emotionally or physically.

4) Accept what is. That doesn't mean accept your situation in a way that is unhealthy and leads to depression and hopelessness. Accept that what has happened has happened and that nothing will change that. Instead of staying stuck in the "it's not fair" mode, tell yourself "It is what it is" and move on.

5) To accomplish acceptance (#4 above) it probably will involve some grieving. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief in a way that will produce a healthy outcome for you. Do you know the stages? If you were going through a job loss or loss of investment money, it might look like this:

Denial -

"I think they made a mistake when they laid me off. They'll probably
call back soon and rehire me."
"The investment guy doesn't have his facts straight. We didn't lose
that much money."

Anger -

"It is not fair for them to lay me off after all these years. I hope my
boss gets fired too."
"My investment guy is an idiot. This loss is his fault."

Bargaining -

"If only I would have gone to college. They wouldn't have laid me
off."
"I should never have invested in that high risk stock."

Depression -

"That job was the best one I've ever had, and I'll never find one as
good as that again."
"I'll never be able to make up the money I lost."

Acceptance -

"That was a good job, but it is gone. I will move on and find another
job."
"I have no control over the stock market. All I can do is the best I
can."

Finally, as I've said in previous posts, it is extremely important to take good care of yourself during hard times. Exercise, eat right, and get good sleep. Without those three things, your body and mind will be depleted and you will not be able to function well or make healthy choices.

Lies We Believe

2010-09-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Often, in my work with clients, we begin to uncover some of the lies that they believe that are adding to their distress.

"I will never be good enough."
"I must have a great job in order to be happy."
"I have done terrible things, and God can't possibly love me."
"I can't trust anyone."
"I must please people in order to be accepted."
"I can never say no, or people won't love me."

The list of lies could go on forever, it would seem.

Lies are sometimes very subtle. They are packed in under layers of life experiences and are sometimes rooted way back in childhood.

You had a critical mom? You probably have some lies you believe that are related to that.

You had an angry father? Your dad probably planted some lies in your head when you were little.

You had a teacher or a coach who made you feel bad about yourself? You probably believe some lies related to your relationship with him or her.

Lies are subtle, but once we discover what they are we can begin to tell ourselves the truth. Once we believe the truth, we will notice that we begin to feel less distressed in many cases.

So here's a place to start: The next time you feel anxious or depressed or stressed, notice what is buzzing around in your head. Write down some of those negative things that you are telling yourself.

Then take that list and see if they line up with truth from God's word. Remember that sometimes lies are partly true, so you have to look carefully.

If you are having trouble discerning if they are lies, then maybe a trusted friend or your pastor could help you pull it apart and separate lies from truth.

Finally, remember that you have believed the lies for so long, that they may very well feel like truth to you. So when you begin to tell yourself the truth, it may feel so foreign that it may feel like a lie. That can be a difficult place to be, but keep going. See if you can't turn it around.

You'll be glad you did!

Contentment

2010-08-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

One of the things that clients often talk about is contentment. They struggle to really be content with where they are, who they are, what they have, and on and on. I think that most of us have struggled with that at one point or another in our lives.

In Philippians 4:11, Paul writes, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

If you go back and look up what the word "learned" means in the original language, you will find that it is the kind of learning that is a process. Further, it is a process of learning that ends with the learner actually being different. An inside change. Not cosmetic. Not putting on an act. It is a deep down inside contentment.

But because it is a process, it didn't happen overnight. We don't know what kind of a person Paul was before his conversion. What we do know is that he learned to be content. We can also learn to be content.

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel is credited with saying, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."

It takes a shift in thinking, among other things, to become content. It may also take working through some issues to discover where the discontentment came from or where you're stuck. You may have some depression or anxiety that needs to be dealt with, or possibly some obsessive thinking.

Once those things are taken care of, then it is a matter of focusing on the good in what you do have. Look for the good in your life, starting with the God that you serve. Then look at the good people in your life who bring you joy. Look at the needs you have that are being met.

I'm not suggesting that you go into denial and don't think about the difficult circumstances. Of course you should. But think about them in constructive ways. What can I do to change this situation? What can I learn from this?

Think about the difficulty, but focus on the good thing. Many times in difficult situations it is tempting to focus on the difficulty.

Helping Children Deal with Grief

2010-08-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

Loss is a part of life. We all face losses of different types all along our journey, and some of those losses happen when we are still children.

I often have parents ask me, "How do I help my child deal with this loss?" Questions often center around dealing with funeral attendance, talking about the person that died, dealing with emotions, talking about death. Those are good questions, and here are some of my thoughts and opinions:

1) If you plan to include children in the funeral service, explain to them ahead of time what it is and what they can expect to see there (i.e. the body in the casket, flowers, etc.). My personal preference is to not have children younger than four at the service, but parents have to make that decision themselves.

2) Children should absolutely be involved in the family gatherings. It is good for them to see that loss can occur and that the family is still together and supporting each other.

3) Talking about the death is helpful, and parents should talk honestly and openly. It is not a good idea to tell children that "grandpa went to sleep and is in heaven," because that may make the child fearful of going to sleep. Be honest.

"Grandpa was sick, not the same thing as when we get a cold or a tummy ache. He'd been sick for a long time and he wasn't getting well. So he went to be with Jesus in heaven."

"There was a bad accident, and Aunt Jill died."

"Grandma was very old, and her body got worn out. When that happens, people's bodies just don't work quite right, and they die. That's what happened to Grandma. She died and went to heaven."

4) Answer children's questions as best you can in an age-appropriate manner. Don't give too much information, and be aware that questions may come up over the course of weeks/months, so one conversation about it will probably not be enough. Let the child set the pace.

5) It is also okay for you to talk about your own feelings with your child. It is good for them to understand that you are feeling sad, so that they can observe you getting through the pain. They will understand from that, that death is a part of life, that life goes on, and that after a loss we can feel joy again.

6) Allow the children to talk about the person has died. Don't remove their pictures from your home. It is good to talk about happy times with grandpa or the camping trip with Aunt Jill. It helps the child to remember that they still have that person in their memories and their hearts.

7) Sometimes it can be helpful for a child to do some sort of activity as a part of their grieving. Make a scrapbook of fun times with the deceased person. Make a memory box. Plant a tree or some flowers. Write in a journal or write a letter to the person and read it out loud. Anything that is meaningful to the child.

8) Finally, there are some books that you can read to the child that may be very helpful. Check with online sources or your local bookstore, but here are a few titles to get you started:

Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
The Goodbye Boat by Mary Joslin
Talk to Me Grandpa! Talk to Me! by Dawn Bernstrom Fullerton
Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
After the Funeral by Jane Winch
Summerland: A Story about Death and Hope by Eyvind Skeie

It is very important that children grieve in a healthy way, because it sets the tone for how they will deal with loss throughout their lives.

Time Out!

2010-08-01T21:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the couples that I counsel talk very early on in the counseling process about their pattern of conflict. Often their arguments escalate until one or both of them are over the top angry. Rather than the problem being solved, it becomes more and more complicated as emotions get out of control and hurtful words are unleashed.

Since one of my goals is to help people to communicate better, I offer some tips to help clients learn to deal with big anger. When you get to the point of anger where you are literally in "fight or flight" mode, you are probably not going to talk rationally and it is not a good idea to continue.

So what should you do? Take a time out! Take a "purposeful time out." A purposeful time out is not storming out of the house and peeling rubber in the driveway.

Signal your partner that you need a time out by labeling it as a time out and giving it a end point target. Say something like, "I can see that we are both angry so let's take a time out and we'll talk about this in an hour." Or "I am feeling angry, and I don't want to make the problem worse. Give me an hour and I'll come back and talk to you about this at 5:00."

Then you take the time out and at the designated time you come back and try again. If the anger escalates again, you take another time out.

Here are some tips for what to do during the time out:

1) Remember that the purpose of a time out is prepare yourself to be able to come back and solve the problem with your partner.

2) Preparation for coming back together involves calming yourself down. Go for a walk. Journal. Pray. Do whatever it is that helps you to calm down.

3) Preparation for continuing to talk also involves preparing what you want to say. Think about how to share with your partner your concerns and your feelings about the problem. Do this with respect. No name calling or labeling. No bringing up the past. No use of trigger words such as "always" and "never."

4) Also use the time out to try to see the problem from your partner's point of view. Work on empathy for him or her.

5) Focus on the good about your partner. Is he a good provider? Is she generally nurturing and caring? Is she generally helpful? Is he a good father? Do you enjoy her jokes? Does he usually make you feel loved? Those are things that can help you to frame the problem in a way that can lead to a healthy discussion and then a positive outcome.

Remember that when you continue on and let anger escalate, the damage done can be devastating. You may say things that will hurt your partner and you may hear things that are hard to forget. Time outs will help minimize the damage.

Grief and Loss

2010-07-19T10:15:00.000-07:00

Loss is a part of life, and we all experience it. Some people just keep going and "stuff" those feelings. Some people allow themselves to feel the pain. If you have experienced a loss, there are some things to keep in mind as you go through the grieving process.

1) It isn't helpful to stuff the feelings. If you do, then you are carrying the grief with you and the grief actually will get bigger over time. The next time you experience a loss, the stuffed feelings will now be compounded with the new loss. It is important to let yourself grieve with each loss.

2) Remember that the feelings of sadness, anger, shock, and guilt are all a part of the grieving process.

3) It is very important to take care of yourself during this time. Make sure you are getting nutrition even if it is only a few bites per meal. Sleep regularly. Get some exercise several times a week. Nutrition, sleep and exercise are essential ingredients to staying well during this time of loss.

4) This is a time to really allow those around you to help you and comfort you. Don't isolate, even though you may feel like doing that. While some "alone" time may be good and healthy, try to balance that with time spent with others. Allow family and friends to help out and comfort. A meal. A cup of tea. A chat. Anything that is an expression of nurture and care.

5) Remember that grieving is a process that takes time. How long it takes depends upon many factors. There is no timetable. Be patient with yourself, and don't allow the impatience of others ("Aren't you ever going to move on?") to dictate how long you grieve.

Sometimes it may be helpful to reach out to a pastor or a counselor to help you through the grieving process. It is important to be able to talk about your loss and the myriad of feelings in a place that is safe and nurturing.

Change Your Thoughts

2010-07-04T16:54:00.000-07:00

The Bible is filled with scriptures about thoughts and how they affect us. Here are a few:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8

For as as a man thinks within himself, so he is. Proverbs 23:7

We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
II Corinthians 10:5

I believe that our thoughts can affect deeply how we feel. I often tell people, if you change how you think then you will change how you feel. That may seem like a very simplistic approach, but it is a useful tool in dealing with many situations in our lives. That may be why recovery programs often deal a lot with what they call "stinkin' thinkin' that causes people to stay stuck.

Let's look at why changing your thinking can change how you feel.

I think of the feeling (depression or anxiety for example) as a "fire." The fire is fueled by thoughts. If I think depressed thoughts, I will increase my depression. If I think anxious thoughts, I will increase my anxiety.

This is in no way to say that the way I think will necessarily change my situation. But it is to say that thinking in a healthy way can help the depressed or anxious feelings to lessen or not become worse.

For example, in the case of anxiety, what does the Apostle Paul write?

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Paul says not to be anxious, and he says to talk to God about our situation. He says to be thankful. If we do those things we will have peace.

If I am thinking thankful thoughts, it is much more likely that I will see God and His ability to be at work in my life. If I see Him at work in my life, it is much more likely that I will understand that He is in control of my current situation. If I see Him in control of my current situation, I am much more likely to feel less anxious.

Obviously, there are many things that may make it difficult to think that way. That is where a therapist or pastor may be able to help you "get there."

You can't always change your situation, but if you change the way you think, you may be able to go through it with less anxiety or depression.

Food for thought!

What Can You Change?

2010-06-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer is commonly called the "Serenity Prayer." It has been used widely as a way of helping people to find peace. While I don't believe that the prayer alone can help us find peace, I do believe that it holds some nuggets of truth which can be helpful when we feel "stuck."

Sometimes when we are in the midst of a difficult situation, it is easy to begin to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what we're facing. We look at the big picture, and we feel like we are facing a giant. Sometimes we are. Many times we are.

One of the things I like to do is to encourage people to break the situation down into manageable chunks. In other words, don't try to solve your problem in one sweep. Instead, is there a part of the problem that you could make a change in order to help with the situation? If there is, then work on that part.

Every year after Christmas, our family takes down our Christmas tree and packs up the lights and ornaments for use the following year. With the following year in mind, I always take the job of carefully winding up the ten strings of lights and placing them in the box so that the following year we just simply unwind them and aren't faced with a tangled mess of lights that can take an hour to untangle.

As careful as I am, each year the lights are completely tangled up and I am found sitting at the kitchen table untangling them. I have become somewhat of an expert.

What I have discovered about untangling lights can be helpful in untangling the situations in our lives.

1) Work on one strand at a time. Catch the end of it and follow it, unloop it, and pull it through until it is completely free from the pile.

In life, what that means is identify a piece of the bigger problem that can be resolved, and work to resolve that. For example, let's say you are dealing with a college age child whose car needs a transmission, but he has no money to fix it and wants you to fix it. You are already stretched to the maximum, and can't help. You may not be able to solve his car problems, but you might be able to get him a bus pass to get him back and forth to college. That is an example of solving one part of the problem. It doesn't fix the whole thing (doesn't fix the transmission), but it eases some of the pain of the situation.

2) Don't get distracted by the pile.

In life, what it means is that you can focus on the part of the problem that you are currently working on instead of worrying about whether you will solve the big problem. If you spend your time focusing only on the big problem, you will be back at being overwhelmed again.

3) Have patience.

Problems don't happen overnight. Even problems that appear out of nowhere have usually been brewing for a long time. It takes time to solve problems, and it takes a lot of work. Keep your eye on what you CAN do, and don't fret about what you can't.

4) Untangling is work. Untangling doesn't just magically happen on its own.

What that means in life is that it will take work to make changes that can help alleviate a difficult situation. Sometimes the changes in themselves are painful. Sometimes the changes can even seem to make things worse at first. Keep going. Trust God and trust His voice leading you and directing you.

In most every situation there are changes which can be made. Look for those things, and begin to do the work. You will be surprised that at some point those changes will pay off and you'll find yourself in a healthier place!

Try it!

Decisions, Decisions

2009-11-05T15:41:00.000-08:00

One of the things that I always tell people is not to make decisions, especially really important, life-changing decisions when you are emotional. Sometimes you are forced to, of course, but if possible, always make decisions from a calm and collected place.

In making decisions, here are some things to consider:

1) I am a big believer in getting feedback from those in my life that I trust. We all need to develop at least two or three relationships with people who we know love us and want the best for us. Those who love us enough to be honest with us. My preference is to get feedback from someone who has a close relationship with God and knows and lives by His word.

Getting feedback helps you to see a different perspective. If you were to tell a particular situation to a group of ten people, everyone would have a slightly different take on it. That is a GOOD thing, because we often have tunnel vision in seeing the things we face in our lives. Getting feedback from others gives us a broader perspective and it also may generate solutions that we haven't even thought of before!

2) Don't make decisions hastily. Take your time. If you are making a decision from a place of urgency ("we must file bankruptcy today" or "we have to move to Indiana NOW") then you probably are not working with a clear head. Realize that the vast majority of the decisions that we make don't have to be made TODAY, and if we are having an urgent feeling we are much more likely to make a decision we will regret.

Of course, there are times when we have to decide immediately. All I am saying is to be very careful in rushing to a decision in the midst of a crisis. Whenever possible, take your time and think carefully.

3) Look for all the alternatives in making a decision. Talk with people, both friends and professionals. Ask for information and advice. You will much more likely make a good choice if you are armed with as much information as possible.

4) Ask yourself if the choice you are considering lines up with your moral code, ethical standards, and religious beliefs. In my case, I check my thinking against what the Bible says. If I am not thinking/acting in accordance with my core beliefs, it will be something I will regret down the road.

Be true to good morals, ethics and spiritual beliefs, and you will much more likely not deal with regret or guilt. When we violate our core values, it has a ripple effect that can last years.

5) Ask yourself if the situation you find yourself in is a pattern in your life. If so, take measures to break the pattern, but also to respond to the situation in a different way than you have in the past. Changing your response can be the first step towards breaking the pattern.

These are tough times. Make decisions carefully!

Self Care is Essential

2009-09-29T13:37:00.000-07:00

One of the things that I notice in working with clients is that when times of great distress come along, clients need to work very dilligently at good self care. The way we get through the tough times will be affected greatly by how much we attend to our needs--physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, and in other areas as well.

When I am with someone who is going through a tough time, I sometimes work with them to help them to keep the essentials in place in their lives. Some questions I ask:

Are you eating properly? Your body needs not just calories, but good nutrients in order to function well. Make sure you are getting good food into your body, not just empty calories. Concentrate on good carbs, healthy fruit and vegetables, and an adequate amount of protein. Drink plenty of water to keep hydrated.

Are you sleeping? Your body needs a certain amount of sleep (average person is eight hours, but for some it is more or less). If you are not sleeping, your body is not replenishing and in a short time you will run out of steam to deal with your situation. If you are having trouble sleeping, cut down on caffeine and take the other steps that sleep experts advise (i.e. going to bed at the same time each night, etc.). If you can't get adequate sleep after doing everything you know to do to remedy it, then it may be time to consult with your doctor.

Are you exercising? You may feel better if you do some form of exercise: walking, running, cycling, aerobics, swimming, etc. It will help both your body and your mind to function better.

Are you connecting with your support group? Make sure you do not isolate, even if you are tempted to do so. Join a Bible study group or a small group at your church. Have lunch with a friend once a week. Attend a twelve step group or other kind of support group. Make sure you have people in your life that you can and do talk to and confide in.

Are you taking care of your body? Are you taking prescribed medication? Are you practicing good hygiene? I have found it to be true that clients may do better if they get showered and dressed each day and attend to hair and makeup, even if they don't step foot out of the house.

Are you filling up your spirit/soul? Are you reading your Bible? Are you listening to music that lifts your spirit? Are you doing enjoyable activities/hobbies as much as you can? It is easy to get so intent on getting through the difficult time that you forget to fill up your starving soul. Try to do what you can to lift your spirits with enjoyable activities or music or anything else that is pleasurable.

It should be noted that some of this is pretty basic, but in a time of great distress, we sometimes have to work very hard at the basics of life. These are suggestions to help anchor you during a rough period of your life.

Psalm 119:60

2009-09-12T08:28:00.000-07:00

Psalm 119:60 says, "I will hasten and not delay to obey Your commands."

I was thinking about that just the other day and I was wondering about how that would apply to all of our relationships.

When we consider that all relationship problems have to do with bad behavior or poor attitude on the part of one or both of the people involved, obedience to the Lord could have a huge impact.

In a conflict with a co-worker, a neighbor, a spouse, or anyone else, one of my questions (to myself) should be, "Am I obeying the Lord's commands right now?"

More often, our disobedience is in our hearts. We have jealousy or resentment or bitterness or revenge or something else that is in direct opposition to what God says we should do.

Sometimes one person's behavior is in DIRECT opposition to God's commands. The person is lying or cheating or abusing or whatever.

But what about the other person? Is his/her response to that sin one that obeys God's commands? One person's sin does not give the other person permission to sin as well.

Set boundaries. Leave. Walk away. But don't engage in sinful behavior yourself.

I often think that if two people in conflict were to decide to obey God's commands and live like the Bible says to, 90% of all conflicts would subside or go away. Truth is, though, that we are not perfect people and conflicts will always exist in some form. But if we are in a relationship and we determine to obey God's commands in our relationship, we may have far less conflicts and the ones we do have will at least be "fighting fair."

As a side note, it cannot be emphasized enough that if we are in a dangerous and abusive relationship, we must get out of the situation into a place of safety. We still have to obey God by guarding our heart and our attitude, but we must do it from a place of safety.

Yes or No?

2009-09-02T22:21:00.000-07:00

Boundaries are a part of any healthy relationship. In fact, one way to begin to move a relationship towards health and balance is to begin to practice boundaries. Setting boundaries may begin to change the relationship for the better.

One of the ways to set boundaries is to speak the truth by saying "yes" when you mean "yes" and "no" when you mean "no." Tune in to what you feel when your loved one asks for help or money or your time.

People with poor boundaries often do things out of a feeling of obligation, or fear, or guilt. Let's look at that a little closer.

Obligation - People often feel obligated. They'll say, "But he's my son," or "I owe it to him," or something like that. Remember that if you don't have a choice (in your mind) then you can't know if you are taking your action out of compassion and love or out of obligation.

When you feel obligated and like you don't have a choice, resentment may be building up within you, and you will end up angry in the relationship. Far better it is to say no from your heart than to say yes from your sense of obligation.

Fear - People sometimes feel fear of the consequences of saying no. They feel the anger of their loved one, or they fear dire consequences for him/her. "He may end up homeless if I don't help him." "She might lose her job if I don't bail her out of jail." "He might quit coming to church if I don't pay his bills for him."

Fear is rarely a good motive. Things done out of fear are very often unhealthy choices. When we try to help a person avoid consequences of his/her own behavior, we are really robbing them of an opportunity to learn and change their behavior. If we really love the person, we must allow them to learn from their mistakes. This is not punishment, but it is loving them enough to set boundaries and send the message that their behavior is not acceptable.

Guilt - People with poor boundaries often make their decisions out of guilt. They fear that the consequences of the other person's behavior are just too great. Sometimes people actually try to make the other person feel guilty about not helping or giving or whatever.

If you feel like you don't have a choice because of your sense of obligation, or your guilt or fear, you probably need to take a step back and really think about granting a request for help. It may be that the guilt or fear are actually "fogging your thinking," so that you can't make a healthy decision.

Matthew 5:37 says, "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No' be 'No.' " Basically that means that if your heart is saying yes, then say yes. If it is saying no, then say no. How can you know what your heart is saying? A good indicator is tuning into your feelings. Do you ever feel resentful towards this person? Do you have feelings of being taken advantage of? Do you feel angry after helping? Do you feel like a doormat? If so, you are very likely saying 'yes' when you mean 'no.'

Think about it!

Hot and Cold

2009-08-04T09:27:00.000-07:00

Do you remember playing the "Hot and Cold Game" when you were a kid? You remember, right? Someone gets sent out of the room and an object (a spoon, a tennis ball, an eraser, or whatever) is hidden somewhere in the room. The person returns to the room and tries to find the object. When he or she moves closer to the object, the group tells him/her that he/she is getting warmer, and when he/she moves farther from the object the group tells him/her that he/she is getting colder.

I remember being told, "you are getting warmer," "you are getting REALLY warm," and "you are really hot." Those were clues that I was moving in the right direction.

We can use those same principles in our relationships, especially with our spouses or significant others.

Sometimes, our partner literally doesn't understand what we are wanting or needing from them. They just don't get it. We find ourselves angry and frustrated and may think to ourselves, "How many times do I have to tell him/her?"

They need coaching. So if you apply the "Hot and Cold Game" to life, what would that look like?

People respond much better to praise than criticism, so let your spouse know when he or she is "getting warmer" in terms of moving towards the behavior you want or need.

For example, if you want to feel more loved, then when your partner does something that makes you feel more loved, tell him or her:

"When you are holding my hand like this, I feel so loved."

"When you offered to take care of the kids so I could go get my nails done, it made me feel really special."

"When you ask me about my day and take the time to listen, I feel really connected to you."

"I love the way you turned off the TV and went for a walk with me tonight."

When you give your partner "hints" like that, affirming what he/she is doing right, then it, just like the "Hot and Cold Game," points him/her in the right direction in terms of what to aim for in his/her behavior.

Try it, and see if it works!

Connections

2009-07-13T13:26:00.000-07:00

One of the things we really need in order to be healthy is a support system. We need family, friends, or co-workers around us. People we know we can depend upon in tough times. We need community!

It is important for each of us to build those relationships that help us to know we are not alone in this world. We need people that we can talk to about those things that concern us. People that will listen and give encouragement or good counsel.

Not all of our support has to be close relationships. The support we get can be on different levels. Think of concentric circles.

You are in the center. The small circle immediately around you are your closest support people. Those that you can share very openly with, and those you can count on for support and love, no matter what. They know you at the deepest level. You trust them completely. You probably need at least three or four people in that circle.

The people in the next circle out are still close to you, but maybe less close. You can talk to them, but may not tell everything. You may keep certain situations or parts of situations out of your conversations with them. You trust these people, but not completely. This doesn't mean that they aren't trustworthy, it is just that the relationship may not have developed to that level. You may talk to them about MOST things, but not everything. You probably need at least six to eight people in that circle.

The last circle (in our example, because you can have as many circles as you want) are those people who you know care about you and they are there for you as much as they can be. You probably don't share the intimate details of your life with them, but can share the more "public" things (death in family, divorce, loss of job, etc.) and know they will care and help you in practical ways. In this circle you probably need ten to twelve people.

We all need a minimum of twenty people (at the various levels) in our lives in order to be healthy. Work at developing those relationships one step at a time.

Don't rush into "spilling your guts" to people. Let them earn your trust by opening up a little at a time, and seeing how they handle it. (Do they gossip? Do they lecture you? Do they make you feel guilty?)

If you begin to work on developing relationships today, then later on when we hit a difficult part of our life's journey, we will have those relationships developed and will weather the problem much better!

Stressful Times

2009-07-07T09:51:00.000-07:00

We all have stress in our lives. Stress is a part of life, and it is a useful thing that motivates us to change or to move or to work. However, if it gets out of control we can begin to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

I am noticing the stress people are under for the past many months. With the economic issues our nation is facing comes a feeling of uncertainty among our people. Job losses, foreclosures, bankruptcies, furloughs, and major corporations going under all cause people to feel anxious in ways that they may not have felt before. "What will happen next?" is a common question we hear on a regular basis.

This is a stress that, for the most part, we can do nothing to alleviate. So what is called for in order to deal with it is to learn to manage the stress. One of the main things we can do to manage this kind of stress is make sure we are not "running on empty."

For the Christian, our starting place is in our relationship with God. We need to seriously rely on God's promises to take care of us and to be with us in difficult times.

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 13:5 "God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."

We also know that we have access to God's wisdom as we face the uncertainties and decisions in our lives.

James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

From a practical perspective, in times like these we need to replenish our strength and energy on a regular basis.

Make sure you are eating a healthy diet full of the nutrients your body requires to function properly.

Get enough rest. If you're not sleeping, you are not replenishing yourself at night. You will not have the mental, emotional, and physical resources to deal with life each day. Take steps necessary to get the sleep you need.

Allow time to play on a regular basis. Recreation or pleasurable activities are one of the biggest antidotes for stress. Do things that fill you up and get your mind off of your problems. Anything that you enjoy as recreation may be a big stress reliever for you, so find out what it is that fills you up emotionally.

Make sure you get some form of exercise on a regular basis. There is a strong link between exercise and endorphins, the natural substance that the body produces that gives us a sense of well-being. People who work out or run talk about the euphoria or "high" they feel afterwards. That is because of the release of endorphins as a response to the exercise.

Train your thinking to be more positive and less anxious. Stress is enhanced by worry and worry is enhanced by negative thoughts. If you think in a negative way, it will increase your stress and may lead to depression or anxiety.

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Stress is part of life. You cannot eliminate it completely, but you can manage it and not let it become overwhelming. Make some changes in your life to deal with it, and you will find that you will feel better and will weather difficult times better.

Doing Your Part

2009-06-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

It is not unusual to have an individual or a couple in my office who talks about a difficult situation with another person. Very often the client is angry and frustrated with another person's behavior. Sometimes the client is frustrated because he or she can't seem to get along with a difficult person.

The Bible tells us, in Psalm 133:1, "How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" I think we would all agree that unity is both good and pleasant. It is wonderful when people are in harmony as they work and live side by side. Hebrews 12:14 tells us "Make every effort to live at peace with all men and to be holy."

One of the things I often remind people of is this: You are only responsible for yourself. Sometimes when we feel very angry or frustrated, we begin to do or say things that only add fuel to the fire and we make things worse. Later we regret what we said or we are not proud of the the choices we made in terms of our behavior.

The verse in Hebrews only tells us to "make every effort" to live at peace. It doesn't say that we always will live at peace. The message here is that we are to do our part. How? By remembering that although we can't control another person's behavior, we can always control our own. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) When you are extremely angry, take a time out to cool off. Any conversation that you have when you are very angry will probably not be very productive. The reason for that is that you are in "fight or flight" mode, and you are probably not going to behave out of your "mature self" but rather out of your "angry child" self. That is rarely a good thing.

2) If anger is a problem for you on a regular basis, you may want to work on some anger management techniques or get to the bottom of why you are so angry. Out of control anger hurts people, and damages relationships as well.

3) Keep in mind that no one can "make" you do anything. They can't make you be violent or yell or call them names or anything else. You can choose to behave in an appropriate way even when you are frustrated. If you feel you cannot choose healthy behavior, then it is time to breathe and take a time out.

Waiting for the other person to change before changing how you deal with conflict only prolongs the problem and postpones the possibility of living in harmony with that person. Be the hero. Choose to "do the right thing" in conflict, even when the other one does not. At the end of the day, you'll feel good about behaving in a healthy way.