Boundaries are a part of any healthy relationship. In fact, one way to begin to move a relationship towards health and balance is to begin to practice boundaries. Setting boundaries may begin to change the relationship for the better.
One of the ways to set boundaries is to speak the truth by saying "yes" when you mean "yes" and "no" when you mean "no." Tune in to what you feel when your loved one asks for help or money or your time.
People with poor boundaries often do things out of a feeling of obligation, or fear, or guilt. Let's look at that a little closer.
Obligation - People often feel obligated. They'll say, "But he's my son," or "I owe it to him," or something like that. Remember that if you don't have a choice (in your mind) then you can't know if you are taking your action out of compassion and love or out of obligation.
When you feel obligated and like you don't have a choice, resentment may be building up within you, and you will end up angry in the relationship. Far better it is to say no from your heart than to say yes from your sense of obligation.
Fear - People sometimes feel fear of the consequences of saying no. They feel the anger of their loved one, or they fear dire consequences for him/her. "He may end up homeless if I don't help him." "She might lose her job if I don't bail her out of jail." "He might quit coming to church if I don't pay his bills for him."
Fear is rarely a good motive. Things done out of fear are very often unhealthy choices. When we try to help a person avoid consequences of his/her own behavior, we are really robbing them of an opportunity to learn and change their behavior. If we really love the person, we must allow them to learn from their mistakes. This is not punishment, but it is loving them enough to set boundaries and send the message that their behavior is not acceptable.
Guilt - People with poor boundaries often make their decisions out of guilt. They fear that the consequences of the other person's behavior are just too great. Sometimes people actually try to make the other person feel guilty about not helping or giving or whatever.
If you feel like you don't have a choice because of your sense of obligation, or your guilt or fear, you probably need to take a step back and really think about granting a request for help. It may be that the guilt or fear are actually "fogging your thinking," so that you can't make a healthy decision.
Matthew 5:37 says, "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No' be 'No.' " Basically that means that if your heart is saying yes, then say yes. If it is saying no, then say no. How can you know what your heart is saying? A good indicator is tuning into your feelings. Do you ever feel resentful towards this person? Do you have feelings of being taken advantage of? Do you feel angry after helping? Do you feel like a doormat? If so, you are very likely saying 'yes' when you mean 'no.'
Think about it!
Welcome to the Cornerstone Counseling blog! We all are on a journey in our lives, and the road is marked with joy, pain, challenge, failure, success, concern, and peace. Along the way, our experiences offer us opportunities to grow and learn. For the Christian, it is important to have a Biblical perspective on the issues that we deal with. What you will read here is "food for thought" that may help you move toward healthy living, more contentment, and abundant living.
