Wishing, Hoping, Dreaming

Remember that old Dusty Springfield song, "Wishing and Hoping." Part of it went like this:

Show him that you care just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him,
cause you won't get him, thinking and praying,
wishing and hoping.
Hold him and kiss him and squeeze him and love him.
Just do it and after you do, you will be his

Really? Seriously? If only it was that easy!

Sometimes clients are in a relationship with a boyfriend/girlfriend who doesn't want to commit to marriage or who isn't ready. They often ask me how they know if they should wait it out or move on.

It's hard to answer that question, because just as there are a million different relationships, there are an equal number of factors that can enter into such a decision.

In general, though, here are some things to consider.

1) Is this person worth waiting for? Ask yourself, in general, if this person has all the qualities you want in a partner. Consider employment, character, personality, family relationship, desire for children, habits, legal issues, etc. If you are waiting for a person who has major issues that you hope will be changed by marriage, you need to realize that marriage will not change who they are.

2) How long have you been in this relationship? If you have been in a relationship for over two years and there is still no long-term commitment from your partner, then the relationship needs to be examined. I generally feel that after one year you should both know if this relationship will work or not.

3) Do you find yourself arguing over the lack of long-term commitment? Be careful of that. If you end up engaged because of pressure you have put on your partner, you may find yourself in one of two situations. First, you may have an angry partner who will (later on) complain that he/she was forced to marry you. Second, you may find yourself engaged for a very long time and the argument will no longer be about becoming engaged but rather about setting a wedding date.

Decisions to leave a relationship are painful for both people, but sometimes it is better to give yourselves a chance to start over with someone who will make a commitment rather than spend time and energy trying to talk someone into marrying you.

People Who Need People

Do you remember this song sung by Barbra Streisand?

"People, people who need people

Are the luckiest people in the world."

Ultimately, I think that is a true statement. It has layers of meanings, of course. But for me, it reminds us that we do need each other and we are blessed if we understand that! We are relationship-oriented beings by nature. Our ancestors lived in tribes and communities where there was a healthy interdependence.

Somewhere along the line we replaced interdependence with independence and that became the norm. Now there is definitely a place for independence, but we need to live in community where we are dependent upon others and they are dependent upon us.

Together we can live and grow and thrive. We learn from each other. We encourage one another. We help each other. We carry one another's burdens, and we discover that a load is lighter when carried by two.

To be healthy we need to be in relationships with family and friends. If we're not, not only does our emotional health suffer but our physical well-being is at risk as well.

I encourage people to find a way to form relationships. Join a Bible study group. Volunteer. Take a dance class. Take up a hobby. Once you begin to meet people, don't be afraid to invite someone to coffee. Relationships start small and they grow from there.

Relationships are one of our basic needs. Take the steps to develop some, rekindle some, or deepen some. The rewards may be great!

Hot and Cold

Do you remember playing the "Hot and Cold Game" when you were a kid? You remember, right? Someone gets sent out of the room and an object (a spoon, a tennis ball, an eraser, or whatever) is hidden somewhere in the room. The person returns to the room and tries to find the object. When he or she moves closer to the object, the group tells him/her that he/she is getting warmer, and when he/she moves farther from the object the group tells him/her that he/she is getting colder.

I remember being told, "you are getting warmer," "you are getting REALLY warm," and "you are really hot." Those were clues that I was moving in the right direction.

We can use those same principles in our relationships, especially with our spouses or significant others.

Sometimes, our partner literally doesn't understand what we are wanting or needing from them. They just don't get it. We find ourselves angry and frustrated and may think to ourselves, "How many times do I have to tell him/her?"

They need coaching. So if you apply the "Hot and Cold Game" to life, what would that look like?

People respond much better to praise than criticism, so let your spouse know when he or she is "getting warmer" in terms of moving towards the behavior you want or need.

For example, if you want to feel more loved, then when your partner does something that makes you feel more loved, tell him or her:

"When you are holding my hand like this, I feel so loved."

"When you offered to take care of the kids so I could go get my nails done, it made me feel really special."

"When you ask me about my day and take the time to listen, I feel really connected to you."

"I love the way you turned off the TV and went for a walk with me tonight."

When you give your partner "hints" like that, affirming what he/she is doing right, then it, just like the "Hot and Cold Game," points him/her in the right direction in terms of what to aim for in his/her behavior.

Try it, and see if it works!

Connections

One of the things we really need in order to be healthy is a support system. We need family, friends, or co-workers around us. People we know we can depend upon in tough times. We need community!

It is important for each of us to build those relationships that help us to know we are not alone in this world. We need people that we can talk to about those things that concern us. People that will listen and give encouragement or good counsel.

Not all of our support has to be close relationships. The support we get can be on different levels. Think of concentric circles.



You are in the center. The small circle immediately around you are your closest support people. Those that you can share very openly with, and those you can count on for support and love, no matter what. They know you at the deepest level. You trust them completely. You probably need at least three or four people in that circle.

The people in the next circle out are still close to you, but maybe less close. You can talk to them, but may not tell everything. You may keep certain situations or parts of situations out of your conversations with them. You trust these people, but not completely. This doesn't mean that they aren't trustworthy, it is just that the relationship may not have developed to that level. You may talk to them about MOST things, but not everything. You probably need at least six to eight people in that circle.

The last circle (in our example, because you can have as many circles as you want) are those people who you know care about you and they are there for you as much as they can be. You probably don't share the intimate details of your life with them, but can share the more "public" things (death in family, divorce, loss of job, etc.) and know they will care and help you in practical ways. In this circle you probably need ten to twelve people.

We all need a minimum of twenty people (at the various levels) in our lives in order to be healthy. Work at developing those relationships one step at a time.

Don't rush into "spilling your guts" to people. Let them earn your trust by opening up a little at a time, and seeing how they handle it. (Do they gossip? Do they lecture you? Do they make you feel guilty?)

If you begin to work on developing relationships today, then later on when we hit a difficult part of our life's journey, we will have those relationships developed and will weather the problem much better!

Doing Your Part

It is not unusual to have an individual or a couple in my office who talks about a difficult situation with another person. Very often the client is angry and frustrated with another person's behavior. Sometimes the client is frustrated because he or she can't seem to get along with a difficult person.

The Bible tells us, in Psalm 133:1, "How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" I think we would all agree that unity is both good and pleasant. It is wonderful when people are in harmony as they work and live side by side. Hebrews 12:14 tells us "Make every effort to live at peace with all men and to be holy."

One of the things I often remind people of is this: You are only responsible for yourself. Sometimes when we feel very angry or frustrated, we begin to do or say things that only add fuel to the fire and we make things worse. Later we regret what we said or we are not proud of the the choices we made in terms of our behavior.

The verse in Hebrews only tells us to "make every effort" to live at peace. It doesn't say that we always will live at peace. The message here is that we are to do our part. How? By remembering that although we can't control another person's behavior, we can always control our own. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) When you are extremely angry, take a time out to cool off. Any conversation that you have when you are very angry will probably not be very productive. The reason for that is that you are in "fight or flight" mode, and you are probably not going to behave out of your "mature self" but rather out of your "angry child" self. That is rarely a good thing.

2) If anger is a problem for you on a regular basis, you may want to work on some anger management techniques or get to the bottom of why you are so angry. Out of control anger hurts people, and damages relationships as well.

3) Keep in mind that no one can "make" you do anything. They can't make you be violent or yell or call them names or anything else. You can choose to behave in an appropriate way even when you are frustrated. If you feel you cannot choose healthy behavior, then it is time to breathe and take a time out.

Waiting for the other person to change before changing how you deal with conflict only prolongs the problem and postpones the possibility of living in harmony with that person. Be the hero. Choose to "do the right thing" in conflict, even when the other one does not. At the end of the day, you'll feel good about behaving in a healthy way.