Connections

One of the things we really need in order to be healthy is a support system. We need family, friends, or co-workers around us. People we know we can depend upon in tough times. We need community!

It is important for each of us to build those relationships that help us to know we are not alone in this world. We need people that we can talk to about those things that concern us. People that will listen and give encouragement or good counsel.

Not all of our support has to be close relationships. The support we get can be on different levels. Think of concentric circles.



You are in the center. The small circle immediately around you are your closest support people. Those that you can share very openly with, and those you can count on for support and love, no matter what. They know you at the deepest level. You trust them completely. You probably need at least three or four people in that circle.

The people in the next circle out are still close to you, but maybe less close. You can talk to them, but may not tell everything. You may keep certain situations or parts of situations out of your conversations with them. You trust these people, but not completely. This doesn't mean that they aren't trustworthy, it is just that the relationship may not have developed to that level. You may talk to them about MOST things, but not everything. You probably need at least six to eight people in that circle.

The last circle (in our example, because you can have as many circles as you want) are those people who you know care about you and they are there for you as much as they can be. You probably don't share the intimate details of your life with them, but can share the more "public" things (death in family, divorce, loss of job, etc.) and know they will care and help you in practical ways. In this circle you probably need ten to twelve people.

We all need a minimum of twenty people (at the various levels) in our lives in order to be healthy. Work at developing those relationships one step at a time.

Don't rush into "spilling your guts" to people. Let them earn your trust by opening up a little at a time, and seeing how they handle it. (Do they gossip? Do they lecture you? Do they make you feel guilty?)

If you begin to work on developing relationships today, then later on when we hit a difficult part of our life's journey, we will have those relationships developed and will weather the problem much better!

Stressful Times

We all have stress in our lives. Stress is a part of life, and it is a useful thing that motivates us to change or to move or to work. However, if it gets out of control we can begin to feel overwhelmed and hopeless.

I am noticing the stress people are under for the past many months. With the economic issues our nation is facing comes a feeling of uncertainty among our people. Job losses, foreclosures, bankruptcies, furloughs, and major corporations going under all cause people to feel anxious in ways that they may not have felt before. "What will happen next?" is a common question we hear on a regular basis.

This is a stress that, for the most part, we can do nothing to alleviate. So what is called for in order to deal with it is to learn to manage the stress. One of the main things we can do to manage this kind of stress is make sure we are not "running on empty."

For the Christian, our starting place is in our relationship with God. We need to seriously rely on God's promises to take care of us and to be with us in difficult times.

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."

Hebrews 13:5 "God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'."

We also know that we have access to God's wisdom as we face the uncertainties and decisions in our lives.

James 1:5 "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

From a practical perspective, in times like these we need to replenish our strength and energy on a regular basis.

Make sure you are eating a healthy diet full of the nutrients your body requires to function properly.

Get enough rest. If you're not sleeping, you are not replenishing yourself at night. You will not have the mental, emotional, and physical resources to deal with life each day. Take steps necessary to get the sleep you need.

Allow time to play on a regular basis. Recreation or pleasurable activities are one of the biggest antidotes for stress. Do things that fill you up and get your mind off of your problems. Anything that you enjoy as recreation may be a big stress reliever for you, so find out what it is that fills you up emotionally.

Make sure you get some form of exercise on a regular basis. There is a strong link between exercise and endorphins, the natural substance that the body produces that gives us a sense of well-being. People who work out or run talk about the euphoria or "high" they feel afterwards. That is because of the release of endorphins as a response to the exercise.

Train your thinking to be more positive and less anxious. Stress is enhanced by worry and worry is enhanced by negative thoughts. If you think in a negative way, it will increase your stress and may lead to depression or anxiety.

Philippians 4:8 "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."

Stress is part of life. You cannot eliminate it completely, but you can manage it and not let it become overwhelming. Make some changes in your life to deal with it, and you will find that you will feel better and will weather difficult times better.

Doing Your Part

It is not unusual to have an individual or a couple in my office who talks about a difficult situation with another person. Very often the client is angry and frustrated with another person's behavior. Sometimes the client is frustrated because he or she can't seem to get along with a difficult person.

The Bible tells us, in Psalm 133:1, "How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!" I think we would all agree that unity is both good and pleasant. It is wonderful when people are in harmony as they work and live side by side. Hebrews 12:14 tells us "Make every effort to live at peace with all men and to be holy."

One of the things I often remind people of is this: You are only responsible for yourself. Sometimes when we feel very angry or frustrated, we begin to do or say things that only add fuel to the fire and we make things worse. Later we regret what we said or we are not proud of the the choices we made in terms of our behavior.

The verse in Hebrews only tells us to "make every effort" to live at peace. It doesn't say that we always will live at peace. The message here is that we are to do our part. How? By remembering that although we can't control another person's behavior, we can always control our own. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1) When you are extremely angry, take a time out to cool off. Any conversation that you have when you are very angry will probably not be very productive. The reason for that is that you are in "fight or flight" mode, and you are probably not going to behave out of your "mature self" but rather out of your "angry child" self. That is rarely a good thing.

2) If anger is a problem for you on a regular basis, you may want to work on some anger management techniques or get to the bottom of why you are so angry. Out of control anger hurts people, and damages relationships as well.

3) Keep in mind that no one can "make" you do anything. They can't make you be violent or yell or call them names or anything else. You can choose to behave in an appropriate way even when you are frustrated. If you feel you cannot choose healthy behavior, then it is time to breathe and take a time out.

Waiting for the other person to change before changing how you deal with conflict only prolongs the problem and postpones the possibility of living in harmony with that person. Be the hero. Choose to "do the right thing" in conflict, even when the other one does not. At the end of the day, you'll feel good about behaving in a healthy way.