Avoiding Pain

When I have a new client, it is usually pain that brings them to me in the first place. It is pretty common for people to come in and use the first session or two to kind of "bring me up to speed" on what is going on and what is happening in their lives.

It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.

One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.

It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.

Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.

It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.

Parenting

Parenting is a mixed bag! It is one of the most important and rewarding jobs we'll ever do in our lives, but it is sometimes stressful and full of concerns.

One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.

Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.

Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?

Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.

Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.

It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:

• What does this decision teach my child about ______? (fill in the blank with the priority you're thinking about)
• How does this decision line up with what I want my child to understand about _______?
• If I make this decision, will my child get the impression that ______ is less important?

You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity (although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices) to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.

Holiday Stress

It is that time of year again!

Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.

My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!

Family Boundaries - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, inlaws, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.

Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.

I have three married children who all have inlaws, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with inlaws on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.

Money Boundaries - Money is perhaps the biggest stressor at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.

Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing someone's car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.

Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!

Time Boundaries - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-lightings, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. "I cannot be out every night during the weekend" or "I can only do one activity per weekend" or "I'll do two activities per week.") Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.

Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.

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Decide your boundaries, and then stick to them. You will probably find yourself less stressed and enjoying the holidays more!

Hard Times

Hard times have hit us big time! People have lost retirements, houses, jobs, and careers. Investments have plummeted and, depending on who you listen to, there is no end in sight.

While many of us will agree that "money isn't everything" and that "you can't take it with you," we would probably agree also that these kinds of financial hits put stress on our lives in other areas.

People get depressed or feel anxious. Sometimes they play the Blame Game. There is a feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do next.

The thing is this: We will all hit hard times in one way or another all along our life path. The trick is to not let it destroy our lives. Here are some thoughts about that:

1) Keep talking. I find that when people can talk with their loved ones about how they are feeling, it creates a climate of openness and support that can help them through it. Also, in a healthy talking relationship, there may be less likelihood of turning to addictions or maladaptive behaviors.

2) Regularly assess what you DO have. It is easy to get so focused on the loss of a job or a pension that we lose sight of what we do have. "I still have my family." or "I still have my faith." or "We still have our love." Remember, that people have weathered things like the Great Depression of the '30s and come out of it with their families still intact. It is a matter of keeping focused on the positives in your life so that you don't lose hope.

3) Keep busy. If you are out of work, make looking for a job your full time job. Volunteer at a community helps agency, the library, or a hospital. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and do nothing. It isn't good for you emotionally or physically.

4) Accept what is. That doesn't mean accept your situation in a way that is unhealthy and leads to depression and hopelessness. Accept that what has happened has happened and that nothing will change that. Instead of staying stuck in the "it's not fair" mode, tell yourself "It is what it is" and move on.

5) To accomplish acceptance (#4 above) it probably will involve some grieving. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief in a way that will produce a healthy outcome for you. Do you know the stages? If you were going through a job loss or loss of investment money, it might look like this:

• Denial -
  

"I think they made a mistake when they laid me off. They'll probably
call back soon and rehire me."
"The investment guy doesn't have his facts straight. We didn't lose
that much money."

• Anger -

"It is not fair for them to lay me off after all these years. I hope my
boss gets fired too."
"My investment guy is an idiot. This loss is his fault."

• Bargaining -
  

"If only I would have gone to college. They wouldn't have laid me
off."
"I should never have invested in that high risk stock."

• Depression -

"That job was the best one I've ever had, and I'll never find one as
good as that again."
"I'll never be able to make up the money I lost."

• Acceptance -

"That was a good job, but it is gone. I will move on and find another
job."
"I have no control over the stock market. All I can do is the best I
can."

Finally, as I've said in previous posts, it is extremely important to take good care of yourself during hard times. Exercise, eat right, and get good sleep. Without those three things, your body and mind will be depleted and you will not be able to function well or make healthy choices.

Lies We Believe

Often, in my work with clients, we begin to uncover some of the lies that they believe that are adding to their distress.

"I will never be good enough."
"I must have a great job in order to be happy."
"I have done terrible things, and God can't possibly love me."
"I can't trust anyone."
"I must please people in order to be accepted."
"I can never say no, or people won't love me."

The list of lies could go on forever, it would seem.

Lies are sometimes very subtle. They are packed in under layers of life experiences and are sometimes rooted way back in childhood.

You had a critical mom? You probably have some lies you believe that are related to that.

You had an angry father? Your dad probably planted some lies in your head when you were little.

You had a teacher or a coach who made you feel bad about yourself? You probably believe some lies related to your relationship with him or her.

Lies are subtle, but once we discover what they are we can begin to tell ourselves the truth. Once we believe the truth, we will notice that we begin to feel less distressed in many cases.

So here's a place to start: The next time you feel anxious or depressed or stressed, notice what is buzzing around in your head. Write down some of those negative things that you are telling yourself.

Then take that list and see if they line up with truth from God's word. Remember that sometimes lies are partly true, so you have to look carefully.

If you are having trouble discerning if they are lies, then maybe a trusted friend or your pastor could help you pull it apart and separate lies from truth.

Finally, remember that you have believed the lies for so long, that they may very well feel like truth to you. So when you begin to tell yourself the truth, it may feel so foreign that it may feel like a lie. That can be a difficult place to be, but keep going. See if you can't turn it around.

You'll be glad you did!

Contentment

One of the things that clients often talk about is contentment. They struggle to really be content with where they are, who they are, what they have, and on and on. I think that most of us have struggled with that at one point or another in our lives.

In Philippians 4:11, Paul writes, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances."

If you go back and look up what the word "learned" means in the original language, you will find that it is the kind of learning that is a process. Further, it is a process of learning that ends with the learner actually being different. An inside change. Not cosmetic. Not putting on an act. It is a deep down inside contentment.

But because it is a process, it didn't happen overnight. We don't know what kind of a person Paul was before his conversion. What we do know is that he learned to be content. We can also learn to be content.

Rabbi Hyman Schachtel is credited with saying, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."

It takes a shift in thinking, among other things, to become content. It may also take working through some issues to discover where the discontentment came from or where you're stuck. You may have some depression or anxiety that needs to be dealt with, or possibly some obsessive thinking.

Once those things are taken care of, then it is a matter of focusing on the good in what you do have. Look for the good in your life, starting with the God that you serve. Then look at the good people in your life who bring you joy. Look at the needs you have that are being met.

I'm not suggesting that you go into denial and don't think about the difficult circumstances. Of course you should. But think about them in constructive ways. What can I do to change this situation? What can I learn from this?

Think about the difficulty, but focus on the good thing. Many times in difficult situations it is tempting to focus on the difficulty.

Helping Children Deal with Grief

Loss is a part of life. We all face losses of different types all along our journey, and some of those losses happen when we are still children.

I often have parents ask me, "How do I help my child deal with this loss?" Questions often center around dealing with funeral attendance, talking about the person that died, dealing with emotions, talking about death. Those are good questions, and here are some of my thoughts and opinions:

1) If you plan to include children in the funeral service, explain to them ahead of time what it is and what they can expect to see there (i.e. the body in the casket, flowers, etc.). My personal preference is to not have children younger than four at the service, but parents have to make that decision themselves.

2) Children should absolutely be involved in the family gatherings. It is good for them to see that loss can occur and that the family is still together and supporting each other.

3) Talking about the death is helpful, and parents should talk honestly and openly. It is not a good idea to tell children that "grandpa went to sleep and is in heaven," because that may make the child fearful of going to sleep. Be honest.

"Grandpa was sick, not the same thing as when we get a cold or a tummy ache. He'd been sick for a long time and he wasn't getting well. So he went to be with Jesus in heaven."

"There was a bad accident, and Aunt Jill died."

"Grandma was very old, and her body got worn out. When that happens, people's bodies just don't work quite right, and they die. That's what happened to Grandma. She died and went to heaven."

4) Answer children's questions as best you can in an age-appropriate manner. Don't give too much information, and be aware that questions may come up over the course of weeks/months, so one conversation about it will probably not be enough. Let the child set the pace.

5) It is also okay for you to talk about your own feelings with your child. It is good for them to understand that you are feeling sad, so that they can observe you getting through the pain. They will understand from that, that death is a part of life, that life goes on, and that after a loss we can feel joy again.

6) Allow the children to talk about the person has died. Don't remove their pictures from your home. It is good to talk about happy times with grandpa or the camping trip with Aunt Jill. It helps the child to remember that they still have that person in their memories and their hearts.

7) Sometimes it can be helpful for a child to do some sort of activity as a part of their grieving. Make a scrapbook of fun times with the deceased person. Make a memory box. Plant a tree or some flowers. Write in a journal or write a letter to the person and read it out loud. Anything that is meaningful to the child.

8) Finally, there are some books that you can read to the child that may be very helpful. Check with online sources or your local bookstore, but here are a few titles to get you started:

Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
The Goodbye Boat by Mary Joslin
Talk to Me Grandpa! Talk to Me! by Dawn Bernstrom Fullerton
Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
After the Funeral by Jane Winch
Summerland: A Story about Death and Hope by Eyvind Skeie

It is very important that children grieve in a healthy way, because it sets the tone for how they will deal with loss throughout their lives.