Fog

We have been having an extra long period of fog here in our area. I'm not talking about fog that burns off by 9 or 10 a.m. This fog can last until early afternoon and then rolls back in in early evening. It is frustrating. It causes all kinds of road mishaps. It is something that builds uncertainty into our plans for the day sometimes.

When I'm driving on the freeway in thick, thick fog (the kind where you can barely see 1/4 mile ahead of you) it always has a feeling of uncertainty. What if there is an accident ahead that I can't see? What if the fog gets worse up there? Maybe I should get off and wait. But what if just 1/2 mile up the road it is completely clear? What to do. What to do.

I think that there are some things about fog that can be applied to our relationships. Mostly in the area of understand what our partner is thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing.

When there are things in our relationship that cause us issues, it is probably because we "can't see through the fog" and neither can our partner.

Here is an example:

A woman sees her husband's frustration in looking for something he has misplaced. She feels compassion for him, and offers to help. He gets very angry and yells at her, "I can do it myself."

She feels confused and literally "in a fog" as to why he would react so strongly and negatively to her offer of help. On her side of the "fog," she felt compassion and love and care which prompted her to offer help. On his side of the "fog" he feels angry and put down when she offers help.

The only way to break through the fog is to talk it out and see "through the fog" and understand what is on each side of this murky abyss.

They sit down later and talk about what each was feeling. It turns out that he had been beating himself up for misplacing the thing he was looking for, and in his head the tapes were playing. Tapes from his childhood of his dad telling him he was a loser and would never amount to anything.

Aha, now it makes sense to her why he reacted as he did to her offer of help. He wasn't reacting to her. He was reacting to his dad and the old tapes.

So what is the "fog" in your relationship? When things "don't make sense," try to remember that on your partner's side of the "fog" it makes perfect sense to him/her. Talk about it so that you can peer through the fog and see what is on the other side.

Things that make no sense to us make perfect sense to our partners, and the only way to understand is to communicate.

Words Mean Something

The tragedy in Arizona with the gunning down of innocent people, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Federal Judge John Roll, has sent shock waves through our country. We now know that the shooter was a man who apparently is mentally ill.

It is unclear whether he was motivated by political rhetoric that was vicious and threatening. We may never know. What we do know is that some people are motivated by that kind of talk, and certain mentally ill people may act on what they hear instead of filtering it out.

The discussion that has arisen from this tragedy is one about words and how they change people, motivate people, influence people, and the climate they create.

It is simple. Words mean something. We can disagree, but we must not allow our disagreements to become personal attacks or threats.

It comes down to respect. It is important to have a basic respect for people, even if we disagree with their politics, their religion, or whatever else. If we have respect, we can enter a healthy discussion where ideas are shared, examined, and debated. Ultimately, we can have a better understanding of the other's views, though we still may disagree.

Respect and healthy disagreement is a part of every relationship--our "relationship" with our elected officials, or our relationships with family and friends. It is my sincere hope that this recent tragedy will change the way we talk to each other when we disagree.

I think it starts with John Q. Citizen. We must become intolerant of personal attacks and send that message in whatever way we can to our leaders. This is one thing that I personally believe will not change from the top down. I think we need a grassroots effort on this one.

New Year Resolution

It's that time again! The start of a new year is soon upon us. Out with the old. In with the new.

Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.

Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.

I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.

If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:

1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.
2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.
3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!
4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!

Happy new year!

Making Holiday Memories

One way to avoid holiday stress is to focus on what is important.

The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).

When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.

Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.

• Decorate the tree together as a family. String popcorn and make homemade ornaments.
• Go out in the town you live in and look at Christmas lights.
• Volunteer to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. Do it as a family.
• Go Christmas caroling as a family or organize a caroling party with other families. Go caroling, and then come back to your house for hot chocolate.
  
• Adopt a family who is less fortunate. Buy presents and provide their Christmas dinner. Include your children in this venture!
• Do advent activities. Here is a very fun and easy one that will help even the smallest children understand the meaning of Christmas. It is called "The Advent Event" and I highly recommend it!
• Take your family to musical events in your town, things such as Christmas pageants, musicals, Handel's Messiah, etc.
• Consider starting a "Christmas Scrapbook" where you all write and enter pictures of your holiday activities. Each year, you can look at Christmases past and add to it.
  

The list of ideas is endless, really, but those kinds of things will make memories for your family for years to come. Toys break. Clothes wear out. Electronics become obsolete. But memories you will have forever!

Avoiding Pain

When I have a new client, it is usually pain that brings them to me in the first place. It is pretty common for people to come in and use the first session or two to kind of "bring me up to speed" on what is going on and what is happening in their lives.

It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.

One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.

It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.

Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.

It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.

Parenting

Parenting is a mixed bag! It is one of the most important and rewarding jobs we'll ever do in our lives, but it is sometimes stressful and full of concerns.

One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.

Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.

Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?

Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.

Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.

It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:

• What does this decision teach my child about ______? (fill in the blank with the priority you're thinking about)
• How does this decision line up with what I want my child to understand about _______?
• If I make this decision, will my child get the impression that ______ is less important?

You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity (although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices) to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.

Holiday Stress

It is that time of year again!

Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.

My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!

Family Boundaries - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, inlaws, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.

Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.

I have three married children who all have inlaws, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with inlaws on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.

Money Boundaries - Money is perhaps the biggest stressor at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.

Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing someone's car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.

Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!

Time Boundaries - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-lightings, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. "I cannot be out every night during the weekend" or "I can only do one activity per weekend" or "I'll do two activities per week.") Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.

Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.

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Decide your boundaries, and then stick to them. You will probably find yourself less stressed and enjoying the holidays more!