It's that time again! The start of a new year is soon upon us. Out with the old. In with the new.
Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.
Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.
I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.
If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:
1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.
2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.
3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!
4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!
Happy new year!
Welcome to the Cornerstone Counseling blog! We all are on a journey in our lives, and the road is marked with joy, pain, challenge, failure, success, concern, and peace. Along the way, our experiences offer us opportunities to grow and learn. For the Christian, it is important to have a Biblical perspective on the issues that we deal with. What you will read here is "food for thought" that may help you move toward healthy living, more contentment, and abundant living.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Making Holiday Memories
One way to avoid holiday stress is to focus on what is important.
The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).
When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.
Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.
The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).
When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.
Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.
- Decorate the tree together as a family. String popcorn and make homemade ornaments.
- Go out in the town you live in and look at Christmas lights.
- Volunteer to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. Do it as a family.
- Go Christmas caroling as a family or organize a caroling party with other families. Go caroling, and then come back to your house for hot chocolate.
- Adopt a family who is less fortunate. Buy presents and provide their Christmas dinner. Include your children in this venture!
- Do advent activities. Here is a very fun and easy one that will help even the smallest children understand the meaning of Christmas. It is called "The Advent Event" and I highly recommend it!
- Take your family to musical events in your town, things such as Christmas pageants, musicals, Handel's Messiah, etc.
- Consider starting a "Christmas Scrapbook" where you all write and enter pictures of your holiday activities. Each year, you can look at Christmases past and add to it.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Avoiding Pain
When I have a new client, it is usually pain that brings them to me in the first place. It is pretty common for people to come in and use the first session or two to kind of "bring me up to speed" on what is going on and what is happening in their lives.
It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.
One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.
It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.
Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.
It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.
It is also pretty common, as we work together, for me to begin to explore with them not only what is going on in their lives, but also answer the question of "what came before that?" A lot of that comes out in the initial history taking.
One thing that sometimes surprises people is that there is a direct connection between past and present. Often what is going on NOW has roots in the past. What that means, in practical terms, it is often necessary to talk about past wounds and heal them in order to alleviate today's pain.
It is not surprising that people sometimes resist that. I can't tell you how often clients have said, "That happened a long time ago and I don't want to talk about that because it makes me sad." It is my job to help them to understand the connection, and I try to do that with grace and compassion.
Exploring past issues can be painful, but I liken it to cleaning out an infected wound. If I avoid touching an infected wound on my body because it hurts too much, I may ultimately be allowing it to fester and get worse. What I have to do is tolerate the pain of touching it and cleaning it out, so that I can have relief.
It is the same with emotional pain. I may avoid that past hurt in my life, but it is festering down there somewhere and the symptoms I have today may very well be the result of the festering. If I touch the pain and heal the wound, my today symptoms may subside.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Parenting
Parenting is a mixed bag! It is one of the most important and rewarding jobs we'll ever do in our lives, but it is sometimes stressful and full of concerns.
One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.
Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.
Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?
Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.
Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.
It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:
You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity (although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices) to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.
One of the things that is important in parenting is consistency. Most of us understand that there needs to be consistency in discipline. The rules don't change or bend according to the mood of the parent, and the consequence is the same each time. Predictability communicates to the child that it is in their best interest to choose their behavior wisely.
Consistency is also important in teaching your children values and priorities.
Examine what your priorities are. What are they? Faith? Education? Teaching kindness? Good manners? Family?
Decide what the priorities are, and then every parenting decision you make needs to fit with that.
Sometimes decisions are made that bring two priorities into conflict. In those times, you have to decide what the top priority is.
It isn't easy. Trying to wade through the hundreds of parenting decisions you make in your kids' lives can be overwhelming. If you have your priority list in your head, when you are thinking about what decision to make, ask yourself:
- What does this decision teach my child about ______? (fill in the blank with the priority you're thinking about)
- How does this decision line up with what I want my child to understand about _______?
- If I make this decision, will my child get the impression that ______ is less important?
You get the idea! Remember that the goal of parenting is to give your child an opportunity (although ultimately your child will make his/her own choices) to grow into a person with values, morals, and character. Each decision you make moves towards that or away from that.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Holiday Stress
It is that time of year again!
Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.
My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!
Family Boundaries - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, inlaws, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.
Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.
I have three married children who all have inlaws, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with inlaws on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.
Money Boundaries - Money is perhaps the biggest stressor at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.
Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing someone's car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.
Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!
Time Boundaries - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-lightings, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. "I cannot be out every night during the weekend" or "I can only do one activity per weekend" or "I'll do two activities per week.") Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.
Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.
Many people see the holidays as kind of a "mixed bag." They will report that it is their favorite time of year, while at the same time saying that they hate the stress and the pressure of the holidays.
My best advice for not just surviving the holidays but enjoying them? Boundaries!
Family Boundaries - You need to decide with your household what you want your holiday to look like. If you currently spend all of your holidays in the car making sure you can get to parents, inlaws, etc. and you feel it is too much, then stop! Decide what you will do, inform family members, and then stick to the plan.
Consider (for example) spending the actual holiday with your side of the family and then celebrating with your spouse's family on the Saturday before the holiday. If not that, then some variation of that.
I have three married children who all have inlaws, of course. and we have to make some of those kinds of adjustments. This year, all of my children will be with inlaws on Thanksgiving and they'll be with us on Saturday. It works just fine.
Money Boundaries - Money is perhaps the biggest stressor at this time of year. Make a decision before you start shopping as to what your budget is this year. Include items in the budget such as gifts, food (i.e. baking or holiday dinners), and special activities (i.e. holiday concerts). Then stick to your budget. Decide up front that credit cards are off limits.
Consider making homemade gifts, or consider giving a service (i.e. washing someone's car once a month) or a time (going for coffee once a month) gift. Don't confuse love with amount spent.
Shorten your gift list. If you are giving some gifts out of obligation, consider cutting that person all together or cutting down the amount you spend on that person. Or consider giving something more personal, such as a picture of your family. Be creative!
Time Boundaries - There are so many possibilities and expectations in terms of activities during the holidays. Take the time to consider all the invitations to parties, concerts, tree-lightings, decorating parties, etc. and realize that you may not be able to make them all. Decide what is reasonable (i.e. "I cannot be out every night during the weekend" or "I can only do one activity per weekend" or "I'll do two activities per week.") Whatever your limit, decide and then stick to it.
Also realize that just because something has always been, doesn't mean it always needs to continue. Life is a series of choices, and some of those choices involve time commitments.
*************
Decide your boundaries, and then stick to them. You will probably find yourself less stressed and enjoying the holidays more!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Hard Times
Hard times have hit us big time! People have lost retirements, houses, jobs, and careers. Investments have plummeted and, depending on who you listen to, there is no end in sight.
While many of us will agree that "money isn't everything" and that "you can't take it with you," we would probably agree also that these kinds of financial hits put stress on our lives in other areas.
People get depressed or feel anxious. Sometimes they play the Blame Game. There is a feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do next.
The thing is this: We will all hit hard times in one way or another all along our life path. The trick is to not let it destroy our lives. Here are some thoughts about that:
1) Keep talking. I find that when people can talk with their loved ones about how they are feeling, it creates a climate of openness and support that can help them through it. Also, in a healthy talking relationship, there may be less likelihood of turning to addictions or maladaptive behaviors.
2) Regularly assess what you DO have. It is easy to get so focused on the loss of a job or a pension that we lose sight of what we do have. "I still have my family." or "I still have my faith." or "We still have our love." Remember, that people have weathered things like the Great Depression of the '30s and come out of it with their families still intact. It is a matter of keeping focused on the positives in your life so that you don't lose hope.
3) Keep busy. If you are out of work, make looking for a job your full time job. Volunteer at a community helps agency, the library, or a hospital. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and do nothing. It isn't good for you emotionally or physically.
4) Accept what is. That doesn't mean accept your situation in a way that is unhealthy and leads to depression and hopelessness. Accept that what has happened has happened and that nothing will change that. Instead of staying stuck in the "it's not fair" mode, tell yourself "It is what it is" and move on.
5) To accomplish acceptance (#4 above) it probably will involve some grieving. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief in a way that will produce a healthy outcome for you. Do you know the stages? If you were going through a job loss or loss of investment money, it might look like this:
call back soon and rehire me."
"The investment guy doesn't have his facts straight. We didn't lose
that much money."
boss gets fired too."
"My investment guy is an idiot. This loss is his fault."
off."
"I should never have invested in that high risk stock."
good as that again."
"I'll never be able to make up the money I lost."
job."
"I have no control over the stock market. All I can do is the best I
can."
Finally, as I've said in previous posts, it is extremely important to take good care of yourself during hard times. Exercise, eat right, and get good sleep. Without those three things, your body and mind will be depleted and you will not be able to function well or make healthy choices.
While many of us will agree that "money isn't everything" and that "you can't take it with you," we would probably agree also that these kinds of financial hits put stress on our lives in other areas.
People get depressed or feel anxious. Sometimes they play the Blame Game. There is a feeling of confusion, not knowing what to do next.
The thing is this: We will all hit hard times in one way or another all along our life path. The trick is to not let it destroy our lives. Here are some thoughts about that:
1) Keep talking. I find that when people can talk with their loved ones about how they are feeling, it creates a climate of openness and support that can help them through it. Also, in a healthy talking relationship, there may be less likelihood of turning to addictions or maladaptive behaviors.
2) Regularly assess what you DO have. It is easy to get so focused on the loss of a job or a pension that we lose sight of what we do have. "I still have my family." or "I still have my faith." or "We still have our love." Remember, that people have weathered things like the Great Depression of the '30s and come out of it with their families still intact. It is a matter of keeping focused on the positives in your life so that you don't lose hope.
3) Keep busy. If you are out of work, make looking for a job your full time job. Volunteer at a community helps agency, the library, or a hospital. Don't allow yourself to just sit around and do nothing. It isn't good for you emotionally or physically.
4) Accept what is. That doesn't mean accept your situation in a way that is unhealthy and leads to depression and hopelessness. Accept that what has happened has happened and that nothing will change that. Instead of staying stuck in the "it's not fair" mode, tell yourself "It is what it is" and move on.
5) To accomplish acceptance (#4 above) it probably will involve some grieving. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief in a way that will produce a healthy outcome for you. Do you know the stages? If you were going through a job loss or loss of investment money, it might look like this:
- Denial -
call back soon and rehire me."
"The investment guy doesn't have his facts straight. We didn't lose
that much money."
- Anger -
boss gets fired too."
"My investment guy is an idiot. This loss is his fault."
- Bargaining -
off."
"I should never have invested in that high risk stock."
- Depression -
good as that again."
"I'll never be able to make up the money I lost."
- Acceptance -
job."
"I have no control over the stock market. All I can do is the best I
can."
Finally, as I've said in previous posts, it is extremely important to take good care of yourself during hard times. Exercise, eat right, and get good sleep. Without those three things, your body and mind will be depleted and you will not be able to function well or make healthy choices.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Lies We Believe
Often, in my work with clients, we begin to uncover some of the lies that they believe that are adding to their distress.
"I will never be good enough."
"I must have a great job in order to be happy."
"I have done terrible things, and God can't possibly love me."
"I can't trust anyone."
"I must please people in order to be accepted."
"I can never say no, or people won't love me."
The list of lies could go on forever, it would seem.
Lies are sometimes very subtle. They are packed in under layers of life experiences and are sometimes rooted way back in childhood.
You had a critical mom? You probably have some lies you believe that are related to that.
You had an angry father? Your dad probably planted some lies in your head when you were little.
You had a teacher or a coach who made you feel bad about yourself? You probably believe some lies related to your relationship with him or her.
Lies are subtle, but once we discover what they are we can begin to tell ourselves the truth. Once we believe the truth, we will notice that we begin to feel less distressed in many cases.
So here's a place to start: The next time you feel anxious or depressed or stressed, notice what is buzzing around in your head. Write down some of those negative things that you are telling yourself.
Then take that list and see if they line up with truth from God's word. Remember that sometimes lies are partly true, so you have to look carefully.
If you are having trouble discerning if they are lies, then maybe a trusted friend or your pastor could help you pull it apart and separate lies from truth.
Finally, remember that you have believed the lies for so long, that they may very well feel like truth to you. So when you begin to tell yourself the truth, it may feel so foreign that it may feel like a lie. That can be a difficult place to be, but keep going. See if you can't turn it around.
You'll be glad you did!
"I will never be good enough."
"I must have a great job in order to be happy."
"I have done terrible things, and God can't possibly love me."
"I can't trust anyone."
"I must please people in order to be accepted."
"I can never say no, or people won't love me."
The list of lies could go on forever, it would seem.
Lies are sometimes very subtle. They are packed in under layers of life experiences and are sometimes rooted way back in childhood.
You had a critical mom? You probably have some lies you believe that are related to that.
You had an angry father? Your dad probably planted some lies in your head when you were little.
You had a teacher or a coach who made you feel bad about yourself? You probably believe some lies related to your relationship with him or her.
Lies are subtle, but once we discover what they are we can begin to tell ourselves the truth. Once we believe the truth, we will notice that we begin to feel less distressed in many cases.
So here's a place to start: The next time you feel anxious or depressed or stressed, notice what is buzzing around in your head. Write down some of those negative things that you are telling yourself.
Then take that list and see if they line up with truth from God's word. Remember that sometimes lies are partly true, so you have to look carefully.
If you are having trouble discerning if they are lies, then maybe a trusted friend or your pastor could help you pull it apart and separate lies from truth.
Finally, remember that you have believed the lies for so long, that they may very well feel like truth to you. So when you begin to tell yourself the truth, it may feel so foreign that it may feel like a lie. That can be a difficult place to be, but keep going. See if you can't turn it around.
You'll be glad you did!
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