One of the things I notice more and more these days is how busy people are. Parents have their children involved in lots of extra-curricular activities--dance, football, piano lessons, Brownies, soccer, gymnastics, 4-H, Boy Scouts--the list is endless it would seem. There are so many wonderful things to choose from that afford your children with opportunities to learn teamwork, character, responsibility, work ethic, etc.
I think that all of this is very good. The concern I often have is the lack of balance in these kids' lives.
Kids often talk to me about how stressed they are. They talk about not having a lot of time to just relax between school, homework, and other activities. When I ask them what they would like to change, they say that they don't want to change anything. They really like all of the after school things they are doing. That is where parents come in.
Parents need to set limits on schedule and activities. Don't expect your child to find him/her own limits. They have lots of energy and literally want to do everything that comes along! Don't sign your kids up for something just because they "really want to do it!" Kids don't have the ability to predict the stress they will feel being so busy.
When you think about adding a new activity to your child's schedule, consider these things:
1) What does the overall schedule look like currently?
2) How will this new activity change the schedule?
3) What affect will this activity have on the family? How will it coordinate with other family member's activities?
4) Will the child have sufficient "down time" to just play and be a kid?
5) How will my child benefit from this activity?
I believe that kids need to be exploring different activities, but not all at one time. They are kids. Let them have time to just rest, play, and be kids. Teach them balance early, and it will be something that will go with them into adulthood.
Welcome to the Cornerstone Counseling blog! We all are on a journey in our lives, and the road is marked with joy, pain, challenge, failure, success, concern, and peace. Along the way, our experiences offer us opportunities to grow and learn. For the Christian, it is important to have a Biblical perspective on the issues that we deal with. What you will read here is "food for thought" that may help you move toward healthy living, more contentment, and abundant living.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
People Who Need People
Do you remember this song sung by Barbra Streisand?
"People, people who need people
Are the luckiest people in the world."
Ultimately, I think that is a true statement. It has layers of meanings, of course. But for me, it reminds us that we do need each other and we are blessed if we understand that! We are relationship-oriented beings by nature. Our ancestors lived in tribes and communities where there was a healthy interdependence.
Somewhere along the line we replaced interdependence with independence and that became the norm. Now there is definitely a place for independence, but we need to live in community where we are dependent upon others and they are dependent upon us.
Together we can live and grow and thrive. We learn from each other. We encourage one another. We help each other. We carry one another's burdens, and we discover that a load is lighter when carried by two.
To be healthy we need to be in relationships with family and friends. If we're not, not only does our emotional health suffer but our physical well-being is at risk as well.
I encourage people to find a way to form relationships. Join a Bible study group. Volunteer. Take a dance class. Take up a hobby. Once you begin to meet people, don't be afraid to invite someone to coffee. Relationships start small and they grow from there.
Relationships are one of our basic needs. Take the steps to develop some, rekindle some, or deepen some. The rewards may be great!
Somewhere along the line we replaced interdependence with independence and that became the norm. Now there is definitely a place for independence, but we need to live in community where we are dependent upon others and they are dependent upon us.
Together we can live and grow and thrive. We learn from each other. We encourage one another. We help each other. We carry one another's burdens, and we discover that a load is lighter when carried by two.
To be healthy we need to be in relationships with family and friends. If we're not, not only does our emotional health suffer but our physical well-being is at risk as well.
I encourage people to find a way to form relationships. Join a Bible study group. Volunteer. Take a dance class. Take up a hobby. Once you begin to meet people, don't be afraid to invite someone to coffee. Relationships start small and they grow from there.
Relationships are one of our basic needs. Take the steps to develop some, rekindle some, or deepen some. The rewards may be great!
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day
Today is Valentine's Day. One of the things that often comes up with people who are not in a relationship is that Valentine's Day is a day of loneliness and feeling different. For some, it reminds them of the grief they feel at not having a partner or having lost one.
Those feelings are valid and are to be acknowledged and worked through.
Valentine's Day, for some, is a day of mourning that springboards into a period of grief. While (as I stated above) the feeling is a normal feeling, here are some suggestions for not beginning a spiral down that may be difficult to pull out of.
1) Plan activities with single friends. Love is in the air, but there are different kinds of love. Friendships are a kind of love that is deep and meaningful. Enjoy them!
2) Make Valentine's Day about serving others. Make some cookies or homemade valentines and take them to the shut-ins in your community. The faces that light up will warm your heart!
3) Do something fun for yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Buy yourself a new outfit.
4) Throw a valentine's day dinner party for people who have no partner or whose partner is away (military, etc.). It will be a nice way to spend the evening, knowing that those you invite will appreciate the invitation on a day difficult for them as well.
The idea here is to try to not dwell on the sad feelings, but rather focus on others and what you do have in your life. It is normal to long for a partner, and if that sad feeling is an ongoing thing for you, then it may be that you need to work through the feelings with a counselor. If it is only "seasonal" then taking care of yourself will help greatly!
Those feelings are valid and are to be acknowledged and worked through.
Valentine's Day, for some, is a day of mourning that springboards into a period of grief. While (as I stated above) the feeling is a normal feeling, here are some suggestions for not beginning a spiral down that may be difficult to pull out of.
1) Plan activities with single friends. Love is in the air, but there are different kinds of love. Friendships are a kind of love that is deep and meaningful. Enjoy them!
2) Make Valentine's Day about serving others. Make some cookies or homemade valentines and take them to the shut-ins in your community. The faces that light up will warm your heart!
3) Do something fun for yourself. Get a massage or a manicure. Buy yourself a new outfit.
4) Throw a valentine's day dinner party for people who have no partner or whose partner is away (military, etc.). It will be a nice way to spend the evening, knowing that those you invite will appreciate the invitation on a day difficult for them as well.
The idea here is to try to not dwell on the sad feelings, but rather focus on others and what you do have in your life. It is normal to long for a partner, and if that sad feeling is an ongoing thing for you, then it may be that you need to work through the feelings with a counselor. If it is only "seasonal" then taking care of yourself will help greatly!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Fog
We have been having an extra long period of fog here in our area. I'm not talking about fog that burns off by 9 or 10 a.m. This fog can last until early afternoon and then rolls back in in early evening. It is frustrating. It causes all kinds of road mishaps. It is something that builds uncertainty into our plans for the day sometimes.
When I'm driving on the freeway in thick, thick fog (the kind where you can barely see 1/4 mile ahead of you) it always has a feeling of uncertainty. What if there is an accident ahead that I can't see? What if the fog gets worse up there? Maybe I should get off and wait. But what if just 1/2 mile up the road it is completely clear? What to do. What to do.
I think that there are some things about fog that can be applied to our relationships. Mostly in the area of understand what our partner is thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing.
When there are things in our relationship that cause us issues, it is probably because we "can't see through the fog" and neither can our partner.
Here is an example:
The only way to break through the fog is to talk it out and see "through the fog" and understand what is on each side of this murky abyss.
So what is the "fog" in your relationship? When things "don't make sense," try to remember that on your partner's side of the "fog" it makes perfect sense to him/her. Talk about it so that you can peer through the fog and see what is on the other side.
Things that make no sense to us make perfect sense to our partners, and the only way to understand is to communicate.
When I'm driving on the freeway in thick, thick fog (the kind where you can barely see 1/4 mile ahead of you) it always has a feeling of uncertainty. What if there is an accident ahead that I can't see? What if the fog gets worse up there? Maybe I should get off and wait. But what if just 1/2 mile up the road it is completely clear? What to do. What to do.
I think that there are some things about fog that can be applied to our relationships. Mostly in the area of understand what our partner is thinking, feeling, wanting, or needing.
When there are things in our relationship that cause us issues, it is probably because we "can't see through the fog" and neither can our partner.
Here is an example:
A woman sees her husband's frustration in looking for something he has misplaced. She feels compassion for him, and offers to help. He gets very angry and yells at her, "I can do it myself."
She feels confused and literally "in a fog" as to why he would react so strongly and negatively to her offer of help. On her side of the "fog," she felt compassion and love and care which prompted her to offer help. On his side of the "fog" he feels angry and put down when she offers help.
She feels confused and literally "in a fog" as to why he would react so strongly and negatively to her offer of help. On her side of the "fog," she felt compassion and love and care which prompted her to offer help. On his side of the "fog" he feels angry and put down when she offers help.
The only way to break through the fog is to talk it out and see "through the fog" and understand what is on each side of this murky abyss.
They sit down later and talk about what each was feeling. It turns out that he had been beating himself up for misplacing the thing he was looking for, and in his head the tapes were playing. Tapes from his childhood of his dad telling him he was a loser and would never amount to anything.
Aha, now it makes sense to her why he reacted as he did to her offer of help. He wasn't reacting to her. He was reacting to his dad and the old tapes.
Aha, now it makes sense to her why he reacted as he did to her offer of help. He wasn't reacting to her. He was reacting to his dad and the old tapes.
So what is the "fog" in your relationship? When things "don't make sense," try to remember that on your partner's side of the "fog" it makes perfect sense to him/her. Talk about it so that you can peer through the fog and see what is on the other side.
Things that make no sense to us make perfect sense to our partners, and the only way to understand is to communicate.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Words Mean Something
The tragedy in Arizona with the gunning down of innocent people, including Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and Federal Judge John Roll, has sent shock waves through our country. We now know that the shooter was a man who apparently is mentally ill.
It is unclear whether he was motivated by political rhetoric that was vicious and threatening. We may never know. What we do know is that some people are motivated by that kind of talk, and certain mentally ill people may act on what they hear instead of filtering it out.
The discussion that has arisen from this tragedy is one about words and how they change people, motivate people, influence people, and the climate they create.
It is simple. Words mean something. We can disagree, but we must not allow our disagreements to become personal attacks or threats.
It comes down to respect. It is important to have a basic respect for people, even if we disagree with their politics, their religion, or whatever else. If we have respect, we can enter a healthy discussion where ideas are shared, examined, and debated. Ultimately, we can have a better understanding of the other's views, though we still may disagree.
Respect and healthy disagreement is a part of every relationship--our "relationship" with our elected officials, or our relationships with family and friends. It is my sincere hope that this recent tragedy will change the way we talk to each other when we disagree.
I think it starts with John Q. Citizen. We must become intolerant of personal attacks and send that message in whatever way we can to our leaders. This is one thing that I personally believe will not change from the top down. I think we need a grassroots effort on this one.
It is unclear whether he was motivated by political rhetoric that was vicious and threatening. We may never know. What we do know is that some people are motivated by that kind of talk, and certain mentally ill people may act on what they hear instead of filtering it out.
The discussion that has arisen from this tragedy is one about words and how they change people, motivate people, influence people, and the climate they create.
It is simple. Words mean something. We can disagree, but we must not allow our disagreements to become personal attacks or threats.
It comes down to respect. It is important to have a basic respect for people, even if we disagree with their politics, their religion, or whatever else. If we have respect, we can enter a healthy discussion where ideas are shared, examined, and debated. Ultimately, we can have a better understanding of the other's views, though we still may disagree.
Respect and healthy disagreement is a part of every relationship--our "relationship" with our elected officials, or our relationships with family and friends. It is my sincere hope that this recent tragedy will change the way we talk to each other when we disagree.
I think it starts with John Q. Citizen. We must become intolerant of personal attacks and send that message in whatever way we can to our leaders. This is one thing that I personally believe will not change from the top down. I think we need a grassroots effort on this one.
Monday, December 20, 2010
New Year Resolution
It's that time again! The start of a new year is soon upon us. Out with the old. In with the new.
Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.
Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.
I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.
If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:
1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.
2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.
3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!
4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!
Happy new year!
Some people will make new year's resolutions. Lose weight. Start exercising. Call my mother every week. Keep my desk clean.
Others refuse to make resolutions because they don't like the guilt when they don't stick with it.
I like to think of the new year as a time to think in terms of successes. I like to look back at the year and ask myself what I did well. Then when I think about the coming year, rather than making a resolution based on NO success, I can make a decision to build on past successes. I've already gotten the momentum going, so let's keep going.
If you are determined to make a new year's resolution, then here are a few suggestions:
1) Make a reasonable resolution. Don't promise yourself that you will do the impossible or improbable.
2) Try having an accountability partner that can help you monitor your progress.
3) Choose a goal that has good motivation behind it. Guilt is not a good motivator, by the way!
4) If your resolution is one that you have tried and failed before, take time to examine why you didn't succeed. If you can eliminate or deal with the obstacles you may have better success!
Happy new year!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Making Holiday Memories
One way to avoid holiday stress is to focus on what is important.
The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).
When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.
Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.
The presents, the tinsel, the baking and decorations are all nice. Sometimes we pay a heavy price for those things, in the form of stress and family conflict. If that is true, then it might be that you want to dial it back a bit (see this post from October 11).
When you or your family remembers holidays past, do you want the picture to be joy and contentment and love? Then keep that in the forefront of all that you do. As adults, we rarely remember the gifts we got, but we are sure to remember the family dynamics and the wonderful memories.
Here are a few ideas that are meaningful in our family. It may be different for yours, so create your own list.
- Decorate the tree together as a family. String popcorn and make homemade ornaments.
- Go out in the town you live in and look at Christmas lights.
- Volunteer to ring the bell for the Salvation Army. Do it as a family.
- Go Christmas caroling as a family or organize a caroling party with other families. Go caroling, and then come back to your house for hot chocolate.
- Adopt a family who is less fortunate. Buy presents and provide their Christmas dinner. Include your children in this venture!
- Do advent activities. Here is a very fun and easy one that will help even the smallest children understand the meaning of Christmas. It is called "The Advent Event" and I highly recommend it!
- Take your family to musical events in your town, things such as Christmas pageants, musicals, Handel's Messiah, etc.
- Consider starting a "Christmas Scrapbook" where you all write and enter pictures of your holiday activities. Each year, you can look at Christmases past and add to it.
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