What Can You Change?

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

- Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer is commonly called the "Serenity Prayer." It has been used widely as a way of helping people to find peace. While I don't believe that the prayer alone can help us find peace, I do believe that it holds some nuggets of truth which can be helpful when we feel "stuck."

Sometimes when we are in the midst of a difficult situation, it is easy to begin to feel overwhelmed by the enormity of what we're facing. We look at the big picture, and we feel like we are facing a giant. Sometimes we are. Many times we are.

One of the things I like to do is to encourage people to break the situation down into manageable chunks. In other words, don't try to solve your problem in one sweep. Instead, is there a part of the problem that you could make a change in order to help with the situation? If there is, then work on that part.

Every year after Christmas, our family takes down our Christmas tree and packs up the lights and ornaments for use the following year. With the following year in mind, I always take the job of carefully winding up the ten strings of lights and placing them in the box so that the following year we just simply unwind them and aren't faced with a tangled mess of lights that can take an hour to untangle.

As careful as I am, each year the lights are completely tangled up and I am found sitting at the kitchen table untangling them. I have become somewhat of an expert.

What I have discovered about untangling lights can be helpful in untangling the situations in our lives.

1) Work on one strand at a time. Catch the end of it and follow it, unloop it, and pull it through until it is completely free from the pile.

In life, what that means is identify a piece of the bigger problem that can be resolved, and work to resolve that. For example, let's say you are dealing with a college age child whose car needs a transmission, but he has no money to fix it and wants you to fix it. You are already stretched to the maximum, and can't help. You may not be able to solve his car problems, but you might be able to get him a bus pass to get him back and forth to college. That is an example of solving one part of the problem. It doesn't fix the whole thing (doesn't fix the transmission), but it eases some of the pain of the situation.

2) Don't get distracted by the pile.

In life, what it means is that you can focus on the part of the problem that you are currently working on instead of worrying about whether you will solve the big problem. If you spend your time focusing only on the big problem, you will be back at being overwhelmed again.

3) Have patience.

Problems don't happen overnight. Even problems that appear out of nowhere have usually been brewing for a long time. It takes time to solve problems, and it takes a lot of work. Keep your eye on what you CAN do, and don't fret about what you can't.

4) Untangling is work. Untangling doesn't just magically happen on its own.

What that means in life is that it will take work to make changes that can help alleviate a difficult situation. Sometimes the changes in themselves are painful. Sometimes the changes can even seem to make things worse at first. Keep going. Trust God and trust His voice leading you and directing you.

In most every situation there are changes which can be made. Look for those things, and begin to do the work. You will be surprised that at some point those changes will pay off and you'll find yourself in a healthier place!

Try it!

Decisions, Decisions

One of the things that I always tell people is not to make decisions, especially really important, life-changing decisions when you are emotional. Sometimes you are forced to, of course, but if possible, always make decisions from a calm and collected place.

In making decisions, here are some things to consider:

1) I am a big believer in getting feedback from those in my life that I trust. We all need to develop at least two or three relationships with people who we know love us and want the best for us. Those who love us enough to be honest with us. My preference is to get feedback from someone who has a close relationship with God and knows and lives by His word.

Getting feedback helps you to see a different perspective. If you were to tell a particular situation to a group of ten people, everyone would have a slightly different take on it. That is a GOOD thing, because we often have tunnel vision in seeing the things we face in our lives. Getting feedback from others gives us a broader perspective and it also may generate solutions that we haven't even thought of before!

2) Don't make decisions hastily. Take your time. If you are making a decision from a place of urgency ("we must file bankruptcy today" or "we have to move to Indiana NOW") then you probably are not working with a clear head. Realize that the vast majority of the decisions that we make don't have to be made TODAY, and if we are having an urgent feeling we are much more likely to make a decision we will regret.

Of course, there are times when we have to decide immediately. All I am saying is to be very careful in rushing to a decision in the midst of a crisis. Whenever possible, take your time and think carefully.

3) Look for all the alternatives in making a decision. Talk with people, both friends and professionals. Ask for information and advice. You will much more likely make a good choice if you are armed with as much information as possible.

4) Ask yourself if the choice you are considering lines up with your moral code, ethical standards, and religious beliefs. In my case, I check my thinking against what the Bible says. If I am not thinking/acting in accordance with my core beliefs, it will be something I will regret down the road.

Be true to good morals, ethics and spiritual beliefs, and you will much more likely not deal with regret or guilt. When we violate our core values, it has a ripple effect that can last years.

5) Ask yourself if the situation you find yourself in is a pattern in your life. If so, take measures to break the pattern, but also to respond to the situation in a different way than you have in the past. Changing your response can be the first step towards breaking the pattern.

These are tough times. Make decisions carefully!

Self Care is Essential

One of the things that I notice in working with clients is that when times of great distress come along, clients need to work very dilligently at good self care. The way we get through the tough times will be affected greatly by how much we attend to our needs--physical, spiritual, mental, emotional, and in other areas as well.

When I am with someone who is going through a tough time, I sometimes work with them to help them to keep the essentials in place in their lives. Some questions I ask:

Are you eating properly? Your body needs not just calories, but good nutrients in order to function well. Make sure you are getting good food into your body, not just empty calories. Concentrate on good carbs, healthy fruit and vegetables, and an adequate amount of protein. Drink plenty of water to keep hydrated.

Are you sleeping? Your body needs a certain amount of sleep (average person is eight hours, but for some it is more or less). If you are not sleeping, your body is not replenishing and in a short time you will run out of steam to deal with your situation. If you are having trouble sleeping, cut down on caffeine and take the other steps that sleep experts advise (i.e. going to bed at the same time each night, etc.). If you can't get adequate sleep after doing everything you know to do to remedy it, then it may be time to consult with your doctor.

Are you exercising? You may feel better if you do some form of exercise: walking, running, cycling, aerobics, swimming, etc. It will help both your body and your mind to function better.

Are you connecting with your support group? Make sure you do not isolate, even if you are tempted to do so. Join a Bible study group or a small group at your church. Have lunch with a friend once a week. Attend a twelve step group or other kind of support group. Make sure you have people in your life that you can and do talk to and confide in.

Are you taking care of your body? Are you taking prescribed medication? Are you practicing good hygiene? I have found it to be true that clients may do better if they get showered and dressed each day and attend to hair and makeup, even if they don't step foot out of the house.

Are you filling up your spirit/soul? Are you reading your Bible? Are you listening to music that lifts your spirit? Are you doing enjoyable activities/hobbies as much as you can? It is easy to get so intent on getting through the difficult time that you forget to fill up your starving soul. Try to do what you can to lift your spirits with enjoyable activities or music or anything else that is pleasurable.

It should be noted that some of this is pretty basic, but in a time of great distress, we sometimes have to work very hard at the basics of life. These are suggestions to help anchor you during a rough period of your life.

Psalm 119:60

Psalm 119:60 says, "I will hasten and not delay to obey Your commands."

I was thinking about that just the other day and I was wondering about how that would apply to all of our relationships.

When we consider that all relationship problems have to do with bad behavior or poor attitude on the part of one or both of the people involved, obedience to the Lord could have a huge impact.

In a conflict with a co-worker, a neighbor, a spouse, or anyone else, one of my questions (to myself) should be, "Am I obeying the Lord's commands right now?"

More often, our disobedience is in our hearts. We have jealousy or resentment or bitterness or revenge or something else that is in direct opposition to what God says we should do.

Sometimes one person's behavior is in DIRECT opposition to God's commands. The person is lying or cheating or abusing or whatever.

But what about the other person? Is his/her response to that sin one that obeys God's commands? One person's sin does not give the other person permission to sin as well.

Set boundaries. Leave. Walk away. But don't engage in sinful behavior yourself.

I often think that if two people in conflict were to decide to obey God's commands and live like the Bible says to, 90% of all conflicts would subside or go away. Truth is, though, that we are not perfect people and conflicts will always exist in some form. But if we are in a relationship and we determine to obey God's commands in our relationship, we may have far less conflicts and the ones we do have will at least be "fighting fair."

As a side note, it cannot be emphasized enough that if we are in a dangerous and abusive relationship, we must get out of the situation into a place of safety. We still have to obey God by guarding our heart and our attitude, but we must do it from a place of safety.

Yes or No?

Boundaries are a part of any healthy relationship. In fact, one way to begin to move a relationship towards health and balance is to begin to practice boundaries. Setting boundaries may begin to change the relationship for the better.

One of the ways to set boundaries is to speak the truth by saying "yes" when you mean "yes" and "no" when you mean "no." Tune in to what you feel when your loved one asks for help or money or your time.

People with poor boundaries often do things out of a feeling of obligation, or fear, or guilt. Let's look at that a little closer.

Obligation - People often feel obligated. They'll say, "But he's my son," or "I owe it to him," or something like that. Remember that if you don't have a choice (in your mind) then you can't know if you are taking your action out of compassion and love or out of obligation.

When you feel obligated and like you don't have a choice, resentment may be building up within you, and you will end up angry in the relationship. Far better it is to say no from your heart than to say yes from your sense of obligation.

Fear - People sometimes feel fear of the consequences of saying no. They feel the anger of their loved one, or they fear dire consequences for him/her. "He may end up homeless if I don't help him." "She might lose her job if I don't bail her out of jail." "He might quit coming to church if I don't pay his bills for him."

Fear is rarely a good motive. Things done out of fear are very often unhealthy choices. When we try to help a person avoid consequences of his/her own behavior, we are really robbing them of an opportunity to learn and change their behavior. If we really love the person, we must allow them to learn from their mistakes. This is not punishment, but it is loving them enough to set boundaries and send the message that their behavior is not acceptable.

Guilt - People with poor boundaries often make their decisions out of guilt. They fear that the consequences of the other person's behavior are just too great. Sometimes people actually try to make the other person feel guilty about not helping or giving or whatever.

If you feel like you don't have a choice because of your sense of obligation, or your guilt or fear, you probably need to take a step back and really think about granting a request for help. It may be that the guilt or fear are actually "fogging your thinking," so that you can't make a healthy decision.

Matthew 5:37 says, "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No' be 'No.' " Basically that means that if your heart is saying yes, then say yes. If it is saying no, then say no. How can you know what your heart is saying? A good indicator is tuning into your feelings. Do you ever feel resentful towards this person? Do you have feelings of being taken advantage of? Do you feel angry after helping? Do you feel like a doormat? If so, you are very likely saying 'yes' when you mean 'no.'

Think about it!

Hot and Cold

Do you remember playing the "Hot and Cold Game" when you were a kid? You remember, right? Someone gets sent out of the room and an object (a spoon, a tennis ball, an eraser, or whatever) is hidden somewhere in the room. The person returns to the room and tries to find the object. When he or she moves closer to the object, the group tells him/her that he/she is getting warmer, and when he/she moves farther from the object the group tells him/her that he/she is getting colder.

I remember being told, "you are getting warmer," "you are getting REALLY warm," and "you are really hot." Those were clues that I was moving in the right direction.

We can use those same principles in our relationships, especially with our spouses or significant others.

Sometimes, our partner literally doesn't understand what we are wanting or needing from them. They just don't get it. We find ourselves angry and frustrated and may think to ourselves, "How many times do I have to tell him/her?"

They need coaching. So if you apply the "Hot and Cold Game" to life, what would that look like?

People respond much better to praise than criticism, so let your spouse know when he or she is "getting warmer" in terms of moving towards the behavior you want or need.

For example, if you want to feel more loved, then when your partner does something that makes you feel more loved, tell him or her:

"When you are holding my hand like this, I feel so loved."

"When you offered to take care of the kids so I could go get my nails done, it made me feel really special."

"When you ask me about my day and take the time to listen, I feel really connected to you."

"I love the way you turned off the TV and went for a walk with me tonight."

When you give your partner "hints" like that, affirming what he/she is doing right, then it, just like the "Hot and Cold Game," points him/her in the right direction in terms of what to aim for in his/her behavior.

Try it, and see if it works!

Connections

One of the things we really need in order to be healthy is a support system. We need family, friends, or co-workers around us. People we know we can depend upon in tough times. We need community!

It is important for each of us to build those relationships that help us to know we are not alone in this world. We need people that we can talk to about those things that concern us. People that will listen and give encouragement or good counsel.

Not all of our support has to be close relationships. The support we get can be on different levels. Think of concentric circles.



You are in the center. The small circle immediately around you are your closest support people. Those that you can share very openly with, and those you can count on for support and love, no matter what. They know you at the deepest level. You trust them completely. You probably need at least three or four people in that circle.

The people in the next circle out are still close to you, but maybe less close. You can talk to them, but may not tell everything. You may keep certain situations or parts of situations out of your conversations with them. You trust these people, but not completely. This doesn't mean that they aren't trustworthy, it is just that the relationship may not have developed to that level. You may talk to them about MOST things, but not everything. You probably need at least six to eight people in that circle.

The last circle (in our example, because you can have as many circles as you want) are those people who you know care about you and they are there for you as much as they can be. You probably don't share the intimate details of your life with them, but can share the more "public" things (death in family, divorce, loss of job, etc.) and know they will care and help you in practical ways. In this circle you probably need ten to twelve people.

We all need a minimum of twenty people (at the various levels) in our lives in order to be healthy. Work at developing those relationships one step at a time.

Don't rush into "spilling your guts" to people. Let them earn your trust by opening up a little at a time, and seeing how they handle it. (Do they gossip? Do they lecture you? Do they make you feel guilty?)

If you begin to work on developing relationships today, then later on when we hit a difficult part of our life's journey, we will have those relationships developed and will weather the problem much better!