Loss is a part of life. We all face losses of different types all along our journey, and some of those losses happen when we are still children.
I often have parents ask me, "How do I help my child deal with this loss?" Questions often center around dealing with funeral attendance, talking about the person that died, dealing with emotions, talking about death. Those are good questions, and here are some of my thoughts and opinions:
1) If you plan to include children in the funeral service, explain to them ahead of time what it is and what they can expect to see there (i.e. the body in the casket, flowers, etc.). My personal preference is to not have children younger than four at the service, but parents have to make that decision themselves.
2) Children should absolutely be involved in the family gatherings. It is good for them to see that loss can occur and that the family is still together and supporting each other.
3) Talking about the death is helpful, and parents should talk honestly and openly. It is not a good idea to tell children that "grandpa went to sleep and is in heaven," because that may make the child fearful of going to sleep. Be honest.
"Grandpa was sick, not the same thing as when we get a cold or a tummy ache. He'd been sick for a long time and he wasn't getting well. So he went to be with Jesus in heaven."
"There was a bad accident, and Aunt Jill died."
"Grandma was very old, and her body got worn out. When that happens, people's bodies just don't work quite right, and they die. That's what happened to Grandma. She died and went to heaven."
4) Answer children's questions as best you can in an age-appropriate manner. Don't give too much information, and be aware that questions may come up over the course of weeks/months, so one conversation about it will probably not be enough. Let the child set the pace.
5) It is also okay for you to talk about your own feelings with your child. It is good for them to understand that you are feeling sad, so that they can observe you getting through the pain. They will understand from that, that death is a part of life, that life goes on, and that after a loss we can feel joy again.
6) Allow the children to talk about the person has died. Don't remove their pictures from your home. It is good to talk about happy times with grandpa or the camping trip with Aunt Jill. It helps the child to remember that they still have that person in their memories and their hearts.
7) Sometimes it can be helpful for a child to do some sort of activity as a part of their grieving. Make a scrapbook of fun times with the deceased person. Make a memory box. Plant a tree or some flowers. Write in a journal or write a letter to the person and read it out loud. Anything that is meaningful to the child.
8) Finally, there are some books that you can read to the child that may be very helpful. Check with online sources or your local bookstore, but here are a few titles to get you started:
Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
The Goodbye Boat by Mary Joslin
Talk to Me Grandpa! Talk to Me! by Dawn Bernstrom Fullerton
Sarah's Grandma Goes to Heaven by Maribeth Boelts
After the Funeral by Jane Winch
Summerland: A Story about Death and Hope by Eyvind Skeie
It is very important that children grieve in a healthy way, because it sets the tone for how they will deal with loss throughout their lives.
Welcome to the Cornerstone Counseling blog! We all are on a journey in our lives, and the road is marked with joy, pain, challenge, failure, success, concern, and peace. Along the way, our experiences offer us opportunities to grow and learn. For the Christian, it is important to have a Biblical perspective on the issues that we deal with. What you will read here is "food for thought" that may help you move toward healthy living, more contentment, and abundant living.
