Sunday, August 1, 2010

Time Out!

Sometimes the couples that I counsel talk very early on in the counseling process about their pattern of conflict. Often their arguments escalate until one or both of them are over the top angry. Rather than the problem being solved, it becomes more and more complicated as emotions get out of control and hurtful words are unleashed.

Since one of my goals is to help people to communicate better, I offer some tips to help clients learn to deal with big anger. When you get to the point of anger where you are literally in "fight or flight" mode, you are probably not going to talk rationally and it is not a good idea to continue.

So what should you do? Take a time out! Take a "purposeful time out." A purposeful time out is not storming out of the house and peeling rubber in the driveway.

Signal your partner that you need a time out by labeling it as a time out and giving it a end point target. Say something like, "I can see that we are both angry so let's take a time out and we'll talk about this in an hour." Or "I am feeling angry, and I don't want to make the problem worse. Give me an hour and I'll come back and talk to you about this at 5:00."

Then you take the time out and at the designated time you come back and try again. If the anger escalates again, you take another time out.

Here are some tips for what to do during the time out:

1) Remember that the purpose of a time out is prepare yourself to be able to come back and solve the problem with your partner.

2) Preparation for coming back together involves calming yourself down. Go for a walk. Journal. Pray. Do whatever it is that helps you to calm down.

3) Preparation for continuing to talk also involves preparing what you want to say. Think about how to share with your partner your concerns and your feelings about the problem. Do this with respect. No name calling or labeling. No bringing up the past. No use of trigger words such as "always" and "never."

4) Also use the time out to try to see the problem from your partner's point of view. Work on empathy for him or her.

5) Focus on the good about your partner. Is he a good provider? Is she generally nurturing and caring? Is she generally helpful? Is he a good father? Do you enjoy her jokes? Does he usually make you feel loved? Those are things that can help you to frame the problem in a way that can lead to a healthy discussion and then a positive outcome.

Remember that when you continue on and let anger escalate, the damage done can be devastating. You may say things that will hurt your partner and you may hear things that are hard to forget. Time outs will help minimize the damage.